Brother:
I need your Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid recipe for the Superbowl party this weekend. Give it to me.
Sincerely,
Dave
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The "Butt Gun" and other Thai advancements
A wiseman once said "Hot dog technology in Thailand is light years ahead of other countries."
That man was correct. But, he neglected to mention that the Thais also cook fried chicken and donuts better than we do. They're beating us at our own game, America!
If you walk down any street in Bangkok, you can purchase any variety of foods. Fried chicken, hot dogs, rotis (delicious crepe-style dishes), various soups and rice dishes, pizza, or whatever your heart desires. While the selections vary, all food is accompanied by some sort of delicious chili sauce, which unites this cornucopia of flavor in one regard: All of it will make you shit.
Living in Bangkok, especially as I do, is an invitation for a Texas Hat Trick on a daily basis. Shitting becomes like brushing your teeth (for responsible people): you do it after every meal, in addition to after waking up and before going to bed. With all this time spent in the bathroom, you'd think my anus would just be a devastated crimson wasteland, right? WRONG. Thankfully, my bathroom comes equipped with the Butt Gun, the most miraculous invention since the Slap Chop.
The Butt Gun is a spray hose, exactly like one you'd find on your average kitchen sink. However, this hose is located directly next to the toilet. Once you've released a stream of piping hot liquid death from your nether regions (for the third time that day), do you really want to scrape open your fun-hole with fistfuls of white cotton sandpaper? Of course you don't. Enter the Butt Gun. Now, instead of taking a scorched-earth policy with your puckered dumper, you can spray a refreshing jet of cool water all over your still-burning hindparts. Remember that commercial where the people get hit with things, only those things turn to water upon hitting the peoples' faces? It's a lot like that, only instead of a refreshing shave, it's an ocean of calm for your tortured shitter. You can leave the bathroom without worrying whether your bloody butthole is staining your freshly laundered underwear. In fact, you can leave the bathroom without worrying about anything! With the Butt Gun, there's a spring in your step and peace in your pants.
That man was correct. But, he neglected to mention that the Thais also cook fried chicken and donuts better than we do. They're beating us at our own game, America!
If you walk down any street in Bangkok, you can purchase any variety of foods. Fried chicken, hot dogs, rotis (delicious crepe-style dishes), various soups and rice dishes, pizza, or whatever your heart desires. While the selections vary, all food is accompanied by some sort of delicious chili sauce, which unites this cornucopia of flavor in one regard: All of it will make you shit.
Living in Bangkok, especially as I do, is an invitation for a Texas Hat Trick on a daily basis. Shitting becomes like brushing your teeth (for responsible people): you do it after every meal, in addition to after waking up and before going to bed. With all this time spent in the bathroom, you'd think my anus would just be a devastated crimson wasteland, right? WRONG. Thankfully, my bathroom comes equipped with the Butt Gun, the most miraculous invention since the Slap Chop.
The Butt Gun is a spray hose, exactly like one you'd find on your average kitchen sink. However, this hose is located directly next to the toilet. Once you've released a stream of piping hot liquid death from your nether regions (for the third time that day), do you really want to scrape open your fun-hole with fistfuls of white cotton sandpaper? Of course you don't. Enter the Butt Gun. Now, instead of taking a scorched-earth policy with your puckered dumper, you can spray a refreshing jet of cool water all over your still-burning hindparts. Remember that commercial where the people get hit with things, only those things turn to water upon hitting the peoples' faces? It's a lot like that, only instead of a refreshing shave, it's an ocean of calm for your tortured shitter. You can leave the bathroom without worrying whether your bloody butthole is staining your freshly laundered underwear. In fact, you can leave the bathroom without worrying about anything! With the Butt Gun, there's a spring in your step and peace in your pants.
Where does Eckstein Rank?
Setting aside the fact that this paragraph is attempting to quantify intangibles, this is still the biggest piece of garbage I've read in a while.
Earlier in the article, he ranks the starters and Verlander is the top No. 1 (big surprise!), Fister is the top No. 2, and Scherzer is the top No. 3. Porcello and Turner are both ranked second in their slots. And yet the Tigers apparently "lack depth in the pitching staff."
And don't get me started on the Royals' "youthful exuberance." Two months into the season, they will have dropped from first to fourth and the same writer will be blaming their youth and inexperience. Garbage.
Link: http://espn.go.com/blog/sweetspot/post/_/id/20267/al-central-showdown-position-rankings
What's Sadder
There are differences between "your" and "you're," people, and your mistakes are ruining JoePa's already tarnished legacy.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Hey Bud
So I just got home from the gym and I don't really want to go out tonight (SNOWED IN!), so I'm sitting at my computer listening to music and drinking a 12-pack of Pacifico. Naturally, this made me think of you. Let's rock this shit.
Beer 1 (8 p.m.): Already finished, so let's just move on.
Beer 2 (8:07 p.m.): I'm listening to Van Halen. No surprise. I'm also talking to Joe Lomba on Facebook chat. I'm guessing that I'm going to go outward in concentric circles among the groups of friends as these beers progress. I mean, by the end of the case (or past that, we'll see), I'm thinking that I'll be talking to some person that I met once in a bar. Buckle up!
Beer 3 (8:13 p.m.): Unintended Consequence #1: Time-stamping these beers is really going to make me prove myself. You know that I need constant reassurance from my adoring public. Keehner and Ted just called me; they're all out at Louie's and they wanted me to join them. I said, "Listen, bud. I am live-blogging a case of beer to my sweet Chris Tomke. I have started down this road, and I cannot retreat from it. I love him." They understood. And as a bonus, we're going to make a fort in the living room when they get back and play Nightcrawlers all night long (by Lionel Richie). Also, I'm still listening to Van Halen.
Beer 4 (8:22 p.m.): I Can't Stop Loving You is a very underrated song by Van Halen. I just played it back-to-back. I'm now talking to Pat Lynch ("Computers." [?]) and my co-worker Amanda ("Chris, keep being awesome. Dave clearly misses you."), who I think you've met. Yeah, you definitely met her. Remember when we went to her birthday party and knew each other so well that we ruined games? That was god damned awesome. I love you, brother.
Beer 5 (8:34 p.m.): Talking to people on Facebook is really hindering my drinking ability. Still Van Halen, although I've moved on from Can't Stop Loving You. "Drinking for Chris Tomke's sake...Is there a better cause in the world?" I've messaged Thomas (Brandon's co-worker who loves the Blue Jackets) and Alisha (who worked for me in Burton), but neither one has responded. Don't they know how important this is?!
Beer 6 (8:47 p.m.): Thomas signed off without responding (fuck you, RJ Umberger), but my co-worker from Burton is involved in a conversation now. I can't stop listening to Right Now. I don't know if we told you this, but it's the official song of 2012. Is it odd that the two people I'm conversing with on Facebook are the top two on my feed (due to alphabetical order)? Probably not.
Beer 7 (9:05 p.m.): I'm really starting to feel it, bud. Although, I did just drink six beers in an hour. While not crazy, it's definitely respectable. My chat buddies are back to Amanda (co-worker) and Joe (huge balls). The music has switched to Michael Bolton. Why didn't I have him downloaded before?! He's the greatest! For some reason, you always appear on my Facebook chat list, despite the fact that you're not online. QUIT TEASING ME. I also just posted a picture of seven beers on my friend Amanda's wall.
Beer 8 (9:26 p.m.) : Oh doctor. I'm listening to New Found Glory. Now I'm listening to Orleans (Still the One) and sending people on Facebook the following message: "I'm drunk and unfriending people. How do we know each other?" I'm not really sure what's happening, but you can bet your ass I'm downloading Huey Lewis & the News.
Beer 9 (9:48 p.m.): Oh shit. Shit is really slowing down. The Power of Love is blaring. I love you, Huey. I hid it from you, but I've peed like four times. I'm sorry! What beer is this? Kate Adams is talking to me on Facebook chat now and she wants me to say some shit, but where are we? (Insert Cucumber Dance.) Everything is great(cue Irish music)!
Beer 10 (10:13 p.m.): Where am I? All I know is that Dream Theater's Scenes from a Memory: Part II is playing.More shit happens.
Beer 1 (8 p.m.): Already finished, so let's just move on.
Beer 2 (8:07 p.m.): I'm listening to Van Halen. No surprise. I'm also talking to Joe Lomba on Facebook chat. I'm guessing that I'm going to go outward in concentric circles among the groups of friends as these beers progress. I mean, by the end of the case (or past that, we'll see), I'm thinking that I'll be talking to some person that I met once in a bar. Buckle up!
Beer 3 (8:13 p.m.): Unintended Consequence #1: Time-stamping these beers is really going to make me prove myself. You know that I need constant reassurance from my adoring public. Keehner and Ted just called me; they're all out at Louie's and they wanted me to join them. I said, "Listen, bud. I am live-blogging a case of beer to my sweet Chris Tomke. I have started down this road, and I cannot retreat from it. I love him." They understood. And as a bonus, we're going to make a fort in the living room when they get back and play Nightcrawlers all night long (by Lionel Richie). Also, I'm still listening to Van Halen.
Beer 4 (8:22 p.m.): I Can't Stop Loving You is a very underrated song by Van Halen. I just played it back-to-back. I'm now talking to Pat Lynch ("Computers." [?]) and my co-worker Amanda ("Chris, keep being awesome. Dave clearly misses you."), who I think you've met. Yeah, you definitely met her. Remember when we went to her birthday party and knew each other so well that we ruined games? That was god damned awesome. I love you, brother.
Beer 5 (8:34 p.m.): Talking to people on Facebook is really hindering my drinking ability. Still Van Halen, although I've moved on from Can't Stop Loving You. "Drinking for Chris Tomke's sake...Is there a better cause in the world?" I've messaged Thomas (Brandon's co-worker who loves the Blue Jackets) and Alisha (who worked for me in Burton), but neither one has responded. Don't they know how important this is?!
Beer 6 (8:47 p.m.): Thomas signed off without responding (fuck you, RJ Umberger), but my co-worker from Burton is involved in a conversation now. I can't stop listening to Right Now. I don't know if we told you this, but it's the official song of 2012. Is it odd that the two people I'm conversing with on Facebook are the top two on my feed (due to alphabetical order)? Probably not.
Beer 7 (9:05 p.m.): I'm really starting to feel it, bud. Although, I did just drink six beers in an hour. While not crazy, it's definitely respectable. My chat buddies are back to Amanda (co-worker) and Joe (huge balls). The music has switched to Michael Bolton. Why didn't I have him downloaded before?! He's the greatest! For some reason, you always appear on my Facebook chat list, despite the fact that you're not online. QUIT TEASING ME. I also just posted a picture of seven beers on my friend Amanda's wall.
Beer 8 (9:26 p.m.) : Oh doctor. I'm listening to New Found Glory. Now I'm listening to Orleans (Still the One) and sending people on Facebook the following message: "I'm drunk and unfriending people. How do we know each other?" I'm not really sure what's happening, but you can bet your ass I'm downloading Huey Lewis & the News.
Beer 9 (9:48 p.m.): Oh shit. Shit is really slowing down. The Power of Love is blaring. I love you, Huey. I hid it from you, but I've peed like four times. I'm sorry! What beer is this? Kate Adams is talking to me on Facebook chat now and she wants me to say some shit, but where are we? (Insert Cucumber Dance.) Everything is great(cue Irish music)!
Beer 10 (10:13 p.m.): Where am I? All I know is that Dream Theater's Scenes from a Memory: Part II is playing.More shit happens.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My arrival in Thailand has proven one irrefutable truth: I am way, way out of drinking shape. I spent most of the day being sweaty and hung over (including throwing up in a mall bathroom this morning), and this was after a pretty tame night, all things considered. I'm now posted up in Bangkok for the next few weeks (I live in the same building as Matt--it's like a dorm, only we're adults and living in Thailand!), so it's time to really start getting my form back. There are so many good-looking Thai women here, but I am terrified of having sex with a man, so I'm wary of everyone. Frankly, it's a very confusing state of affairs.
Matt, as you can imagine, is essentially the same. We are about to get wild, brother. So wild. I'm going to his school on Wednesday to be the noted lecturer/mid-term exam. I think he just wants me to talk to them and let him know if I can understand them. To ensure this happens, Matt told his class "You BETTER have questions prepared. Don't you embarrass me!" This was one of many hilarious job-related quotes from Matt, along with "I can't understand why they didn't renew my contract at my last job, I mean, after 'Matthew Kelly presents MOVIE WEEK.'"
My trip is about to take a turn for the ridiculous.
Matt, as you can imagine, is essentially the same. We are about to get wild, brother. So wild. I'm going to his school on Wednesday to be the noted lecturer/mid-term exam. I think he just wants me to talk to them and let him know if I can understand them. To ensure this happens, Matt told his class "You BETTER have questions prepared. Don't you embarrass me!" This was one of many hilarious job-related quotes from Matt, along with "I can't understand why they didn't renew my contract at my last job, I mean, after 'Matthew Kelly presents MOVIE WEEK.'"
My trip is about to take a turn for the ridiculous.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Keeping the faith
Dear brother,
I have now attended mass at both the site of Jesus' birth (midnight mass at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher) and Jesus' baptism (morning mass at the Jordan River Baptism Site). I have left early from both of them. I don't know if Randall would be ashamed for my dismissal of church, or proud of me sticking it to the Catholics. Either way, boom. Big-timed, Catholic Church. Chris Tomke in this bitch.
On another note, after two-plus weeks of diarrhea, I have finally gotten back to solid BMs, something I'd been desperately waiting for (which will quickly leave once I reach SE Asia, I imagine). Today, my steady diet of falafel, pita, hummus, and various rice-based dishes allowed me to achieve that rarest of fecal feats. The Holy Grail of the porcelain throne: The Double Iceberg. That's right. Two of them, side by side, both breaching the surface. It was an infinitely more moving (pun!) experience than the morning mass, which was (as any Catholic service), pretty much inaccessible to an outsider.
I have now attended mass at both the site of Jesus' birth (midnight mass at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher) and Jesus' baptism (morning mass at the Jordan River Baptism Site). I have left early from both of them. I don't know if Randall would be ashamed for my dismissal of church, or proud of me sticking it to the Catholics. Either way, boom. Big-timed, Catholic Church. Chris Tomke in this bitch.
On another note, after two-plus weeks of diarrhea, I have finally gotten back to solid BMs, something I'd been desperately waiting for (which will quickly leave once I reach SE Asia, I imagine). Today, my steady diet of falafel, pita, hummus, and various rice-based dishes allowed me to achieve that rarest of fecal feats. The Holy Grail of the porcelain throne: The Double Iceberg. That's right. Two of them, side by side, both breaching the surface. It was an infinitely more moving (pun!) experience than the morning mass, which was (as any Catholic service), pretty much inaccessible to an outsider.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
So, the Jordanian Board of Tourism is really giving us the VIP treatment. I have no idea why, frankly (PR goes a long way, I suppose), but as I am indebted for the two weeks of insanely nice treatment, I agreed not to post/blog anything that could be construed as negative.
So, on Facebook, I was going to write something about how much people love King Hussein here. It's awesome. I mean, he navigated them through some pretty difficult shit, so hats off to the man. (I've always liked Jordan for the fact that it's a stable, well-educated country despite its borders with Israel and some of the crazier Arab states.)
Anyway, out of respect to the late King Hussein (and his son Abdullah and beautiful daughter-in-law Queen Rania [heyo!]), I was going to write "I dare you to find a more beloved and honored political figure in the world than the late King Hussein bin Talal." But, then I thought about some of the names that you, and particularly Brandon and Matt Kelly, would start dropping. And then I became terrified.
My conclusion from this experience is that I am essentially unable to post anything about Jordan whatsoever. Huh. I love my friends!
So, on Facebook, I was going to write something about how much people love King Hussein here. It's awesome. I mean, he navigated them through some pretty difficult shit, so hats off to the man. (I've always liked Jordan for the fact that it's a stable, well-educated country despite its borders with Israel and some of the crazier Arab states.)
Anyway, out of respect to the late King Hussein (and his son Abdullah and beautiful daughter-in-law Queen Rania [heyo!]), I was going to write "I dare you to find a more beloved and honored political figure in the world than the late King Hussein bin Talal." But, then I thought about some of the names that you, and particularly Brandon and Matt Kelly, would start dropping. And then I became terrified.
My conclusion from this experience is that I am essentially unable to post anything about Jordan whatsoever. Huh. I love my friends!
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