First off, you don't get to tell me what to do. You, who betrayed and abandoned me, are the last person that should presume to do such a thing. But because I am a charitable and magnanimous man, I will ignore this affront and write something anyway. Because I want to, though, not because you told me to.
I am writing this from my newly-constructed business nook, which consists of a bookcase and a computer desk situated in the front of our apartment, where a bank of windows overlooks historic Josephinum Academy. It is pretty sweet, and I am very much enjoying it. I'm actually enjoying our apartment as a whole. The only downside is that my room is pretty small and I have to hunch to get into my closet, but that's the price I paid in order to lock down this sweet pad.
Ted, Brandon and Vince are all here now (I started writing this about an hour ago) and we have started writing a brand new movie script (following up the award-winning That's the Ticket!) entitled Year of the Witches (not to be confused with Nic Cage's Season of the Witch, although we're going to try and get Nic Cage involved). General premise is, once again, based on facts: Ted and I get cursed by the witches from Hocus Pocus at midnight on New Year's Eve, 2011. Then, we go through the entire year, constantly bumbling through misadventures due to the curse. And then we end it one year later? I'm not sure, we've haven't gotten past the basic premise.
We have cable and internet in our place now, and it's about a million times better than our old apartment, which is pretty awesome. I would keep writing, but with all of these boys over here now, I've got to let you go. We'll talk about Halloween in another post, if you're lucky.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I know you have the day off. Write something.
David,
As you know, the Lions definitively disproved the existence of God yesterday by humiliating Tim Tebow in Denver. One could argue that "maybe God is a Lions fan," but Jon Kitna is no longer the quarterback.
I know from the interwebs that you don't have work today. I assume you're going to do laundry, lay around hung over, and maybe eat some sort of microwavable food. Why not contribute something of value to society by writing on this blog? Sometimes, we are actually funny, and the commoners do so love to hear of your adventures.
-Dogg
As you know, the Lions definitively disproved the existence of God yesterday by humiliating Tim Tebow in Denver. One could argue that "maybe God is a Lions fan," but Jon Kitna is no longer the quarterback.
I know from the interwebs that you don't have work today. I assume you're going to do laundry, lay around hung over, and maybe eat some sort of microwavable food. Why not contribute something of value to society by writing on this blog? Sometimes, we are actually funny, and the commoners do so love to hear of your adventures.
-Dogg
Friday, October 28, 2011
I am a good person (part 2 of ?)!
My startling realization of the day: All these presentations of human trafficking are giving me way too much inspiration for Beast Warrior.
That is all.
That is all.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
For PR purposes, I won't go into last night.
But you'd better be ready for the first of (I imagine) many good stories I will tell at the next annual dude retreat. I miss you boys.
Congratulations on your first (right?) kickball home run. I'm swelling up with pride like a father whose son just took his first steps. If you keep practicing (and drinking excessively), perhaps someday you will reach the Chris Tomke level of achievement. My lifetime stats include three home runs. Boom. I am relishing the thought of kickball teams engaging in a bidding war for my services upon my (theoretical) return. Whoever doles out the most drinks and sexual favors will likely be victorious in gaining my skill and unbridled passion.
Side note, because I just thought of this: We were in Belize about 10 days ago, and were hanging out with some Jesuit volunteers. Good people. Anyway, during that time, one of the girls decides she's going to have the group create a haiku, unbeknowst to us. So, out of nowhere, she asks me to give her a five-syllable phrase. My immediate response is "One...two...BUCKLE IT!" I thought you would enjoy that.
Yeah, I caught the Lions game. Regarding Stafford, it's true he hasn't looked great the last two weeks (not that I saw the SF game), he's definitely not getting any help from the line, and he's still not turning the ball over much. I think he'll be fine. If Recepticon doesn't drop that pass in the 4th quarter, maybe they come back and score, anyway.
I am sad to hear that my apartment has become a hub of feminine activity. What a sad state of affairs when the sounds of girlish gossip replace those of our historically insensitive battle-rapping. I don't want to talk about boys; I want to spit verses about how genocide is an appropriate solution to life's problems. However, regarding cooking and drinking fruity drinks, I did that kind of stuff all the time. I guess it was okay though, because I normally had metal blaring while I did it. Cooking a delicious meal: Way more masculine if "Raining Blood" is playing.
If my hosts have anything to say about it, the odds favor you being harmed more. Everyone is incredibly nice, and it's awesome getting free room and board and delicious meals, but they fret about us constantly. We are staying in the safest neighborhood around San Jose. Weird. I guess that comes with traveling with Katie, though. No one wants to be responsible for harm coming to Miss Michigan. Me, they're probably indifferent about.
On a side note, there are no guns out in the open in San Jose. How am I supposed to feel safe?!
Central America: Where the nature is beautiful, and the cities kind of suck. (Although San Jose is actually pretty cool.)
Love,
Dogg
Congratulations on your first (right?) kickball home run. I'm swelling up with pride like a father whose son just took his first steps. If you keep practicing (and drinking excessively), perhaps someday you will reach the Chris Tomke level of achievement. My lifetime stats include three home runs. Boom. I am relishing the thought of kickball teams engaging in a bidding war for my services upon my (theoretical) return. Whoever doles out the most drinks and sexual favors will likely be victorious in gaining my skill and unbridled passion.
Side note, because I just thought of this: We were in Belize about 10 days ago, and were hanging out with some Jesuit volunteers. Good people. Anyway, during that time, one of the girls decides she's going to have the group create a haiku, unbeknowst to us. So, out of nowhere, she asks me to give her a five-syllable phrase. My immediate response is "One...two...BUCKLE IT!" I thought you would enjoy that.
Yeah, I caught the Lions game. Regarding Stafford, it's true he hasn't looked great the last two weeks (not that I saw the SF game), he's definitely not getting any help from the line, and he's still not turning the ball over much. I think he'll be fine. If Recepticon doesn't drop that pass in the 4th quarter, maybe they come back and score, anyway.
I am sad to hear that my apartment has become a hub of feminine activity. What a sad state of affairs when the sounds of girlish gossip replace those of our historically insensitive battle-rapping. I don't want to talk about boys; I want to spit verses about how genocide is an appropriate solution to life's problems. However, regarding cooking and drinking fruity drinks, I did that kind of stuff all the time. I guess it was okay though, because I normally had metal blaring while I did it. Cooking a delicious meal: Way more masculine if "Raining Blood" is playing.
If my hosts have anything to say about it, the odds favor you being harmed more. Everyone is incredibly nice, and it's awesome getting free room and board and delicious meals, but they fret about us constantly. We are staying in the safest neighborhood around San Jose. Weird. I guess that comes with traveling with Katie, though. No one wants to be responsible for harm coming to Miss Michigan. Me, they're probably indifferent about.
On a side note, there are no guns out in the open in San Jose. How am I supposed to feel safe?!
Central America: Where the nature is beautiful, and the cities kind of suck. (Although San Jose is actually pretty cool.)
Love,
Dogg
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Equal Parts Busy, Drunk and Lazy
I am so sorry that I worried you, my boy.
As the headline suggests, my time has been consumed by work, drink and general lounging (which is much more time-consuming than one might think). I will try my best to maintain some sort of consistent posting from here on, so that you don't have to worry about my safety. It really gets back to our discussion as to who is more likely to die (or come to serious bodily harm) during the next year: you (by traveling the world and being in generally dangerous situations) or me (by drinking more than is recommended or safe).
The Passion Tsunami lost 9-7 this past week, although if you take out the first inning (which you can't), it was like 7-4. Or something like that. Look, the score doesn't matter, because I kicked a goddamn home run. And I realize that if we had an official scorer, or this was baseball, it would have been scored a triple with an error, but THIS IS KICKBALL. HOME RUN. Unfortunately, our team continues its tradition of not knowing the rules or generally having a knowledge of sports, so we lost. You know I only play for the personal statistics, though. I'm holding out for a lucrative contract in the offseason, and if Brandon doesn't show me the money, I am out of there.
The Lions also lost, unfortunately. I think you saw the game against the Falcons, so I really don't need to go into much details. Stafford is back practicing, despite the injury, but he really needs to step his game up. Him and the offensive line have looked bad. So has the defensive line to be completely honest. They can't stop the run, and everytime they do, it's a penalty.
I visited your sweet Squeaks and Olmsted on Monday, just to verify that they are still alive. They are, but they also mourn for you. We all do. I also got a haircut while I was up there, and Colleen tried to give me a shot, but I didn't want one. Now that I think about it, your apartment seems much less dude-like without you. I mean, Squeaks and Olmsted were there, but they were outnumbered by females (not counting Brandon and I). Colleen, X were all there, doing distinctly feminine things (drinking fruity drinks, gossipping, cooking), and it really set me aback. I need Spartacus to start up so I can go there and just see dicks. So many dicks (and blood).
I got pretty ham-jammed on both Friday and Saturday evenings in the town of East Lansing. I don't know if you caught the Michigan State-Wisconsin game, but if not, you should do some research. When they caught that hail mary at the end of the game, shit got wild. I didn't go to State (as I hope you know), but I still partied like it. The shots were flowing, and thanks to our connect at the bar, I barely had to pay anything for them. Needless to say, I indulged. At the tailgate on Saturday, I came perilously close to fighting a girl. She poured a drink on my head for no reason (seriously, I didn't even say anything to her!) and then ran away. After that, I tried to fight her husband, but he was not up to the task, plus Arj didn't want me to. Arj is a man of peace, as you well know.
Anyway, my lunch break is up, so I should probably get back to work. Just know that I need you!
Dave
As the headline suggests, my time has been consumed by work, drink and general lounging (which is much more time-consuming than one might think). I will try my best to maintain some sort of consistent posting from here on, so that you don't have to worry about my safety. It really gets back to our discussion as to who is more likely to die (or come to serious bodily harm) during the next year: you (by traveling the world and being in generally dangerous situations) or me (by drinking more than is recommended or safe).
The Passion Tsunami lost 9-7 this past week, although if you take out the first inning (which you can't), it was like 7-4. Or something like that. Look, the score doesn't matter, because I kicked a goddamn home run. And I realize that if we had an official scorer, or this was baseball, it would have been scored a triple with an error, but THIS IS KICKBALL. HOME RUN. Unfortunately, our team continues its tradition of not knowing the rules or generally having a knowledge of sports, so we lost. You know I only play for the personal statistics, though. I'm holding out for a lucrative contract in the offseason, and if Brandon doesn't show me the money, I am out of there.
The Lions also lost, unfortunately. I think you saw the game against the Falcons, so I really don't need to go into much details. Stafford is back practicing, despite the injury, but he really needs to step his game up. Him and the offensive line have looked bad. So has the defensive line to be completely honest. They can't stop the run, and everytime they do, it's a penalty.
I visited your sweet Squeaks and Olmsted on Monday, just to verify that they are still alive. They are, but they also mourn for you. We all do. I also got a haircut while I was up there, and Colleen tried to give me a shot, but I didn't want one. Now that I think about it, your apartment seems much less dude-like without you. I mean, Squeaks and Olmsted were there, but they were outnumbered by females (not counting Brandon and I). Colleen, X were all there, doing distinctly feminine things (drinking fruity drinks, gossipping, cooking), and it really set me aback. I need Spartacus to start up so I can go there and just see dicks. So many dicks (and blood).
I got pretty ham-jammed on both Friday and Saturday evenings in the town of East Lansing. I don't know if you caught the Michigan State-Wisconsin game, but if not, you should do some research. When they caught that hail mary at the end of the game, shit got wild. I didn't go to State (as I hope you know), but I still partied like it. The shots were flowing, and thanks to our connect at the bar, I barely had to pay anything for them. Needless to say, I indulged. At the tailgate on Saturday, I came perilously close to fighting a girl. She poured a drink on my head for no reason (seriously, I didn't even say anything to her!) and then ran away. After that, I tried to fight her husband, but he was not up to the task, plus Arj didn't want me to. Arj is a man of peace, as you well know.
Anyway, my lunch break is up, so I should probably get back to work. Just know that I need you!
Dave
Monday, October 24, 2011
I do so hope for your safety.
My dearest David,
Have I angered you in some way? Have the Lions' losses so infuriated you that you are unable to communicate? It has been nearly a week since your last post, and I do so miss your hazy recollections of the previous night's escapades. Please write soon, for winter approaches, and I would like to know that you are not face down in a ditch somewhere (or, if you are, in which case I will at least have closure). My brain is far too focused from lack of partying, so I must party vicariously through you. I need you, brother.
I am speaking so much Spanish and seeing so many shapely Costa Rican women. Many of them are young mothers! Mamacitas!! I secretly hope that in private, our Spanish-speaking companions refer to me as "El Gringo Grande." I am a head taller than everyone. They wouldn't even know what to do with themselves if Dave Olmsted came down. He would be worshipped as a god. A god!
In other news, my diet of fresh fruits and vegetables (and lack of alcohol) has caused my daily bowel movements to become thrice-daily bowel movements, and they are all what famed character actor Chris Noth would describe as "religious, euphoric experiences." (He underwent the same thing in Turkey.)
How is the Passion Tsunami?! I must have word of your victories upon the field of battle. Send word by raven as soon as you can.
Love,
Dogg
Have I angered you in some way? Have the Lions' losses so infuriated you that you are unable to communicate? It has been nearly a week since your last post, and I do so miss your hazy recollections of the previous night's escapades. Please write soon, for winter approaches, and I would like to know that you are not face down in a ditch somewhere (or, if you are, in which case I will at least have closure). My brain is far too focused from lack of partying, so I must party vicariously through you. I need you, brother.
I am speaking so much Spanish and seeing so many shapely Costa Rican women. Many of them are young mothers! Mamacitas!! I secretly hope that in private, our Spanish-speaking companions refer to me as "El Gringo Grande." I am a head taller than everyone. They wouldn't even know what to do with themselves if Dave Olmsted came down. He would be worshipped as a god. A god!
In other news, my diet of fresh fruits and vegetables (and lack of alcohol) has caused my daily bowel movements to become thrice-daily bowel movements, and they are all what famed character actor Chris Noth would describe as "religious, euphoric experiences." (He underwent the same thing in Turkey.)
How is the Passion Tsunami?! I must have word of your victories upon the field of battle. Send word by raven as soon as you can.
Love,
Dogg
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
A riddle
If you take three craps in the span of 90 minutes, but they're all large and solid, is it still considered diarrhea?
I am the storm god.
Hey, Brother,
Do you know that when you Google the name of this blog, the first results are lyrics to "Everything Zen" by Bush? I'm pretty sure you owned a Bush album at one point, because that band is awful, and you used to have awful taste in music (as opposed to me, who was rippin' it up to Godsmack and taking life to the max!).
Anyway. It has been raining almost the entire time I've been in Central America. Nowhere have the effects been felt more than in El Salvador, where we are now in the 10th (I believe) straight day of rain. As of yesterday, they'd gotten like 54 inches in the past eight days. Entire groups of people (i.e., the poor) have been forced to evacuate their homes due to the flooding. Our bus trip here took an extra two hours because of landslides closing down major roads. Clearly Central America has angered the gods. There must be a blood sacrifice, provided it's not me.
You'd really enjoy where I'm staying. It's in the U.S. compound, next to the American school (at which our hosts teaches). So, inside our little bubble, it's entirely Americans, except for the maids and janitors, which is a little bit ridiculous. The maid just woke me up to come do laundry. I don't even know how she got here, with the flooding. Thankfully, my Spanish is improving, by which I mean I'm no longer uncomfortable not knowing what the fuck anyone is saying. As long as you smile and kind of laugh after every broken sentence, Salvadoreans are totally cool with you! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
That's all for now, brother. I may or may not be in Costa Rica tomorrow. We'll see how the gods decide.
-Doggins
Do you know that when you Google the name of this blog, the first results are lyrics to "Everything Zen" by Bush? I'm pretty sure you owned a Bush album at one point, because that band is awful, and you used to have awful taste in music (as opposed to me, who was rippin' it up to Godsmack and taking life to the max!).
Anyway. It has been raining almost the entire time I've been in Central America. Nowhere have the effects been felt more than in El Salvador, where we are now in the 10th (I believe) straight day of rain. As of yesterday, they'd gotten like 54 inches in the past eight days. Entire groups of people (i.e., the poor) have been forced to evacuate their homes due to the flooding. Our bus trip here took an extra two hours because of landslides closing down major roads. Clearly Central America has angered the gods. There must be a blood sacrifice, provided it's not me.
You'd really enjoy where I'm staying. It's in the U.S. compound, next to the American school (at which our hosts teaches). So, inside our little bubble, it's entirely Americans, except for the maids and janitors, which is a little bit ridiculous. The maid just woke me up to come do laundry. I don't even know how she got here, with the flooding. Thankfully, my Spanish is improving, by which I mean I'm no longer uncomfortable not knowing what the fuck anyone is saying. As long as you smile and kind of laugh after every broken sentence, Salvadoreans are totally cool with you! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
That's all for now, brother. I may or may not be in Costa Rica tomorrow. We'll see how the gods decide.
-Doggins
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Travel Drinking
My sweet boy,
I just got Internet for the first time in like three days. I had no idea how the Lions or Tigers did until about an hour ago. Man, ol' Jimmy really did fly off the handle, there.
We're now in San Salvador, which is like all other major Central American cities thus far: If you value your possessions and/or personal safety, don't go walking around. We've been on a bus for what seems like three days. On Thursday, we'll be riding another bus for 17 hours to Costa Rica, which I assume will be filled with beaches, rainforests, fruity drinks, and beautiful Central American asses covered in cocoa butter.
I'm very tired, and I'm crashing momentarily. I promise I'll write something with more wit and substance tomorrow morning. Heart!
-Doggins
I just got Internet for the first time in like three days. I had no idea how the Lions or Tigers did until about an hour ago. Man, ol' Jimmy really did fly off the handle, there.
We're now in San Salvador, which is like all other major Central American cities thus far: If you value your possessions and/or personal safety, don't go walking around. We've been on a bus for what seems like three days. On Thursday, we'll be riding another bus for 17 hours to Costa Rica, which I assume will be filled with beaches, rainforests, fruity drinks, and beautiful Central American asses covered in cocoa butter.
I'm very tired, and I'm crashing momentarily. I promise I'll write something with more wit and substance tomorrow morning. Heart!
-Doggins
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hindsight
Things you should do between a Tigers ALCS night game and an undefeated Lions morning game:
1) Sleep
2) Drink fluids
3) Eat something
Things you should not do between a Tigers ALCS night game and an undefeated Lions morning game:
1) Go to Excalibur with Olmsted while Colleen is working until 4 a.m.
Details to follow after today's victory by the Lions.
1) Sleep
2) Drink fluids
3) Eat something
Things you should not do between a Tigers ALCS night game and an undefeated Lions morning game:
1) Go to Excalibur with Olmsted while Colleen is working until 4 a.m.
Details to follow after today's victory by the Lions.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My love of street food has dangerous consequences.
David,
I had a solid bowel movement today. It was the first such bowel movement I've had in five days.
That is all.
Go Tigers.
Love,
Chris
I had a solid bowel movement today. It was the first such bowel movement I've had in five days.
That is all.
Go Tigers.
Love,
Chris
Tigers Lose - Ron Washington Also Loses
Because the Tigers losing wasn't enough shit in the first place:
Those words of praise probably don't resonate with Napoli as much as manager Ron Washington's tribute to his game. "Mike Napoli -- I call him a dirt bag, because that's the way he plays," Washington said.
Mike Napoli is actually good at baseball, so he should resent this.
Those words of praise probably don't resonate with Napoli as much as manager Ron Washington's tribute to his game. "Mike Napoli -- I call him a dirt bag, because that's the way he plays," Washington said.
Mike Napoli is actually good at baseball, so he should resent this.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Taking advantage of strangers' kindness and local products: Tips for the traveling drinker
David,
The Lions' 5-0 start has effectively shrunk my pants to child-size. Is there a greater human being in football than Calvin Johnson?! Probably not! Is there a greater defensive end in football than Willie Young?! Probably!
I'm glad to hear you celebrated the Lions victory among like-minded individuals, but I think that violates the spirit of Tomke sports antagonism. I suffered the insults of Bears fans for too long to barricade myself in a Detroit bar while the Lions dropped dick. So, instead, I left the country, where literally no one gives a shit about American football. (On a side note, I met some friendly Canadians who were avid Saskatchewan Roughriders fans.) Moving on...
Traveling on a budget is hard, particularly when you enjoy the food and drink as much as we do. However, when you're visiting a region in which rum is a local export, why not take advantage of the cut-rate prices? You're supporting local businesses, experiencing exotic local products, and if you have no standards regarding your mixer, you can get a buzz on for next to nothing!
Katie and I went out to Caye Caulker this past weekend. It's essentially an island getaway, and as some would call it, "touristy." When compared with Belize City, I assume "touristy" is synonymous with "clean," "safe," and unfortunately "expensive." Not to worry, though: Before boarding our water taxi, we had the foresight to buy our supplies in the city. So, we purchased a fifth of Traveler's Rum for the price of $11 BZ ($5.50 US), along with some packets of Tang ($0.58 BZ/0.29 US), and with the water taken from the surprisingly clean taps, we were off to the races (of drunkenness)!
Speaking of Tang, Central American countries have an uncanny fascination with the shit. We selected our packets from among a dozen or so different flavors (our selections: Mango, Strawberry-Orange), but the aforementioned Canadians told us that in Mexico, there are entire aisles with nothing but Tang. It's a cornucopia of artificial flavor!
Other than that, it definitely benefits you be around people who also drink, and are sympathetic to your budgetary issues. For instance, we're currently in the capital of Belmopan, staying with Katie's friends Joan and Andy (who are awesome people, incidentally). When we pulled up yesterday, Andy and his boys were drinking and playing Dominoes. Immediately upon saying hello, Andy offered me a beer. It was barely past noon, but who am I to turn down an offer of such generosity? That beer turned into another three or four, which then turned into a couple fifths of rum. Total cost: $0.
Anyway, I don't know what else to write here that I won't write in my other, more respectable blog. Go Lions.
-Doggins
The Lions' 5-0 start has effectively shrunk my pants to child-size. Is there a greater human being in football than Calvin Johnson?! Probably not! Is there a greater defensive end in football than Willie Young?! Probably!
I'm glad to hear you celebrated the Lions victory among like-minded individuals, but I think that violates the spirit of Tomke sports antagonism. I suffered the insults of Bears fans for too long to barricade myself in a Detroit bar while the Lions dropped dick. So, instead, I left the country, where literally no one gives a shit about American football. (On a side note, I met some friendly Canadians who were avid Saskatchewan Roughriders fans.) Moving on...
Traveling on a budget is hard, particularly when you enjoy the food and drink as much as we do. However, when you're visiting a region in which rum is a local export, why not take advantage of the cut-rate prices? You're supporting local businesses, experiencing exotic local products, and if you have no standards regarding your mixer, you can get a buzz on for next to nothing!
Katie and I went out to Caye Caulker this past weekend. It's essentially an island getaway, and as some would call it, "touristy." When compared with Belize City, I assume "touristy" is synonymous with "clean," "safe," and unfortunately "expensive." Not to worry, though: Before boarding our water taxi, we had the foresight to buy our supplies in the city. So, we purchased a fifth of Traveler's Rum for the price of $11 BZ ($5.50 US), along with some packets of Tang ($0.58 BZ/0.29 US), and with the water taken from the surprisingly clean taps, we were off to the races (of drunkenness)!
Speaking of Tang, Central American countries have an uncanny fascination with the shit. We selected our packets from among a dozen or so different flavors (our selections: Mango, Strawberry-Orange), but the aforementioned Canadians told us that in Mexico, there are entire aisles with nothing but Tang. It's a cornucopia of artificial flavor!
Other than that, it definitely benefits you be around people who also drink, and are sympathetic to your budgetary issues. For instance, we're currently in the capital of Belmopan, staying with Katie's friends Joan and Andy (who are awesome people, incidentally). When we pulled up yesterday, Andy and his boys were drinking and playing Dominoes. Immediately upon saying hello, Andy offered me a beer. It was barely past noon, but who am I to turn down an offer of such generosity? That beer turned into another three or four, which then turned into a couple fifths of rum. Total cost: $0.
Anyway, I don't know what else to write here that I won't write in my other, more respectable blog. Go Lions.
-Doggins
5-0
My sweet, sweet boy:
Nights like last night are when I truly miss your presence. You would have been so passionate during the Lions game! And I am not willing to rule out that your passion would have single-handedly turned the tide in the Tigers/Rangers game.
We'll start off with a brief rundown of the Tigers game before moving onto what you must be waiting for. Really, all you need to know about the Tigers game is that, in a game tied 3-3 in the ninth inning with two outs, Gene Lamont held up Santiago at third (from first) on a double into the right-field corner by 2012 All-Star Don Kelly ("It's like they have a net out there!"). What gets me the most about this is that HE EFFECTIVELY TOOK HIS BEST HITTER OUT OF THE GAME by doing this. Cabrera was batting next, but they're obviously going to walk him with first open. If you send Santiago, he might score, and even if he doesn't, you're going to get Cabrera to bat in the ninth. But no, let's not give him a chance. Fuck you, Gene Lamont. The Tigers lost.
You know who didn't lose? THE LIONS. Because they don't ever lose. Seriously? Nine straight wins? Boner jamz.
I watched it with Brandon, Ted and Malinovich's crew at the Tin Lizzie. It was the first time I've watched a game at a "Lions bar," and I'm not going to lie, I had a great time. I was really hollerin' after every play (as was everyone). My passion reached true Chris Tomke-levels when I was standing on my chair at the bar leading Gridiron Heroes after Jahvid Best's 88-yard TD run (longer than any Barry Sanders run, oddly enough). The Tomke passion inspired the bartender to give me multiple free shots, including a Goldschlager to end the night, which I am still tasting today, unfortunately.
Seriously, though, it made me miss you, bud. I know how much you'd be enjoying this Lions run.
Nights like last night are when I truly miss your presence. You would have been so passionate during the Lions game! And I am not willing to rule out that your passion would have single-handedly turned the tide in the Tigers/Rangers game.
We'll start off with a brief rundown of the Tigers game before moving onto what you must be waiting for. Really, all you need to know about the Tigers game is that, in a game tied 3-3 in the ninth inning with two outs, Gene Lamont held up Santiago at third (from first) on a double into the right-field corner by 2012 All-Star Don Kelly ("It's like they have a net out there!"). What gets me the most about this is that HE EFFECTIVELY TOOK HIS BEST HITTER OUT OF THE GAME by doing this. Cabrera was batting next, but they're obviously going to walk him with first open. If you send Santiago, he might score, and even if he doesn't, you're going to get Cabrera to bat in the ninth. But no, let's not give him a chance. Fuck you, Gene Lamont. The Tigers lost.
You know who didn't lose? THE LIONS. Because they don't ever lose. Seriously? Nine straight wins? Boner jamz.
I watched it with Brandon, Ted and Malinovich's crew at the Tin Lizzie. It was the first time I've watched a game at a "Lions bar," and I'm not going to lie, I had a great time. I was really hollerin' after every play (as was everyone). My passion reached true Chris Tomke-levels when I was standing on my chair at the bar leading Gridiron Heroes after Jahvid Best's 88-yard TD run (longer than any Barry Sanders run, oddly enough). The Tomke passion inspired the bartender to give me multiple free shots, including a Goldschlager to end the night, which I am still tasting today, unfortunately.
Seriously, though, it made me miss you, bud. I know how much you'd be enjoying this Lions run.
Friday, October 7, 2011
I greatly desire a hammock and a big fruity drink.
David,
First, let me clear up any confusion by saying that yes, I would without a doubt skip a kickball game (non-playoffs) to watch Game 5 of the Tigs-Yanks. Who thought I wouldn't? Ted? Dunkleman? I bet it was Dunkleman.
Katie has really been the star of the show this week in Belize, but last night was my time to shine. After pallin' around with the Department of Justice and learning about how the Belizean government and police are corrupt as the dickens (and boy howdy, they sure are!), we arrived back in Belize City. Abigail (our host) and her friends took us to the Bird's Isle Restaurant and Bar yesterday evening. They're all middle to upper-middle-aged women; Katie and I are by far the youngest. Up to this point, I've mostly been quiet, polite, and generally low-key, so they have no fucking clue what's about to hit them. When my first pelvic thrust pops in their direction, they know who the real performer is. After my stirring rendition of Rebel Yell, a group of shitfaced Navy guys (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) gives me raucous applause and at least six high-fives. An Aussie makes a point to shake my hand.
Step your game up, Dave Olmsted, because I'm taking this shit international.
You'll find that a lot of Sam and Lillian's friends will be foreigners, and probably Asian. It's in your best interest to just break off contact altogether at this point.
Anyway, I'm kind of stuck in Belize City right now, which sucks. Can't really go out at night to explore, because it's poor as shit, and I'll probably get mouthraped by 20 dudes. So, I'm pretty much staying in and waiting to take a boat out to an island tomorrow, at which point I will lay on a hammock and drink some sort of rum-filled concoction. I guess I'm experiencing the "real Belize," but I would really enjoy the fake one at this point. America!
First, let me clear up any confusion by saying that yes, I would without a doubt skip a kickball game (non-playoffs) to watch Game 5 of the Tigs-Yanks. Who thought I wouldn't? Ted? Dunkleman? I bet it was Dunkleman.
Katie has really been the star of the show this week in Belize, but last night was my time to shine. After pallin' around with the Department of Justice and learning about how the Belizean government and police are corrupt as the dickens (and boy howdy, they sure are!), we arrived back in Belize City. Abigail (our host) and her friends took us to the Bird's Isle Restaurant and Bar yesterday evening. They're all middle to upper-middle-aged women; Katie and I are by far the youngest. Up to this point, I've mostly been quiet, polite, and generally low-key, so they have no fucking clue what's about to hit them. When my first pelvic thrust pops in their direction, they know who the real performer is. After my stirring rendition of Rebel Yell, a group of shitfaced Navy guys (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) gives me raucous applause and at least six high-fives. An Aussie makes a point to shake my hand.
Step your game up, Dave Olmsted, because I'm taking this shit international.
You'll find that a lot of Sam and Lillian's friends will be foreigners, and probably Asian. It's in your best interest to just break off contact altogether at this point.
Anyway, I'm kind of stuck in Belize City right now, which sucks. Can't really go out at night to explore, because it's poor as shit, and I'll probably get mouthraped by 20 dudes. So, I'm pretty much staying in and waiting to take a boat out to an island tomorrow, at which point I will lay on a hammock and drink some sort of rum-filled concoction. I guess I'm experiencing the "real Belize," but I would really enjoy the fake one at this point. America!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Robot Update
Just to piss you off, Chris: Erik Coleman is having a Twitter conversation with the Fox Sports Robot (Cleatus).
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Dave Olmsted has moved on
Dave Olmsted took me out on a date to Kelly's yesterday. It was romantic for about two hours until Sam and Lillian showed up with an international gang and ruined it. Of course, the only option at that point was to start doing shots and go to the Corners with Roderick (which I did).
The Tigers play tonight in Game 5 against the Yankees with Fister (hardly even know her!) on the mound against Ivan Nova. Passion Tsunami is a little upset that I am skipping our kickball game to watch it. I maintain that you would do the same thing and there was a little debate over it. So let's clear that up: would you skip kickball to watch an elimination game in the playoffs?
Nachofest is this weekend, too. Ted and I tried to book the Governor's Suite at the Marriott in downtown East Lansing (the most luxurious room in all of East Lansing!), but unfortunately, it was already booked (probably by the governor). Keehner and I have discussed having a velvet rope section with a couch for our VIP keg this year and I fully support this. I had Keehner text one of the dudes that now runs Nachofest about getting me a party package and the response was, "We already have one for him. #obvious." This may be my last one if Joe can't make it. Once it gets down to me and Arj, it's time for me to bow out gracefully. Everyone knows that Arj will be the last man standing in anything related to being in the vicinity of East Lansing. He's like Charlie from It's Always Sunny.
This entire post seems choppy and not very put together. Oh well, I'm on my lunch break at work. Suck it, Grynchy.
I'm sure we'll discuss this topic more in the coming days, but Lions vs. Bears on Monday Night Football is going to be full of arguments, alcohol and possibly (probably?) jail time. It's going to be out of control.
Finaly note: I think Katie left her phone on the charger at Brandon's, as there is a phone there whose owner we cannot track down. Plus it's locked. Can you confirm this?
Love,
Dave
The Tigers play tonight in Game 5 against the Yankees with Fister (hardly even know her!) on the mound against Ivan Nova. Passion Tsunami is a little upset that I am skipping our kickball game to watch it. I maintain that you would do the same thing and there was a little debate over it. So let's clear that up: would you skip kickball to watch an elimination game in the playoffs?
Nachofest is this weekend, too. Ted and I tried to book the Governor's Suite at the Marriott in downtown East Lansing (the most luxurious room in all of East Lansing!), but unfortunately, it was already booked (probably by the governor). Keehner and I have discussed having a velvet rope section with a couch for our VIP keg this year and I fully support this. I had Keehner text one of the dudes that now runs Nachofest about getting me a party package and the response was, "We already have one for him. #obvious." This may be my last one if Joe can't make it. Once it gets down to me and Arj, it's time for me to bow out gracefully. Everyone knows that Arj will be the last man standing in anything related to being in the vicinity of East Lansing. He's like Charlie from It's Always Sunny.
This entire post seems choppy and not very put together. Oh well, I'm on my lunch break at work. Suck it, Grynchy.
I'm sure we'll discuss this topic more in the coming days, but Lions vs. Bears on Monday Night Football is going to be full of arguments, alcohol and possibly (probably?) jail time. It's going to be out of control.
Finaly note: I think Katie left her phone on the charger at Brandon's, as there is a phone there whose owner we cannot track down. Plus it's locked. Can you confirm this?
Love,
Dave
Monday, October 3, 2011
I am a good person! (Pt. 1 of ?)
Hey, David,
Funny you should mention all the important conversations I'm supposedly having. This evening, Katie sat on a panel of four women to discuss human trafficking live on Belizean television. As expected, it was a laugh riot. I sat in the studio taking notes during the 90-minute show. The following are excerpts from my notebook, almost entirely verbatim:
-2 minutes to showtime. Katie apologizes for the length of her skirt. Cameraman insists it is not a problem. Cameraman is male.
-Katie mistakenly declares that Bay City is an hour and a half north of Detroit (two hours).
-Virginia (host) declares that they will now be accepting phone-in questions. I pray there is a Belizean version of Matt Kelly out there. My prayers will no doubt go unanswered.
-During her description of the Partners chapter, Abigail mentions cultural exchanges between countries, specifically music. She says "Steel Pan" went to America. I fully expected her to say "Steel Panther." I am disappointed when this is not so.
-Apparently going to a strip club can suport human trafficking. Cue brief discussion of men who implicitly support human trafficking by going to titty bars. Clearly, they have never been to the Vu, where I only accept dances from younger sisters of guys I went to high school with.
-The show will not be filming next Monday, due to a holiday. Apparently the Lions' first Monday Night Football game in a decade (or, possibly Cheryl's birthday) counts as a national holiday in Central American countries.
-Commercial break: "Belize annual Park-Fest! Bring the entire family! Prizes! Bouncy castle! Beer-drinking contest! The after-party keeps it goin' at 11:00!"
And, that's a wrap!
Funny you should mention all the important conversations I'm supposedly having. This evening, Katie sat on a panel of four women to discuss human trafficking live on Belizean television. As expected, it was a laugh riot. I sat in the studio taking notes during the 90-minute show. The following are excerpts from my notebook, almost entirely verbatim:
-2 minutes to showtime. Katie apologizes for the length of her skirt. Cameraman insists it is not a problem. Cameraman is male.
-Katie mistakenly declares that Bay City is an hour and a half north of Detroit (two hours).
-Virginia (host) declares that they will now be accepting phone-in questions. I pray there is a Belizean version of Matt Kelly out there. My prayers will no doubt go unanswered.
-During her description of the Partners chapter, Abigail mentions cultural exchanges between countries, specifically music. She says "Steel Pan" went to America. I fully expected her to say "Steel Panther." I am disappointed when this is not so.
-Apparently going to a strip club can suport human trafficking. Cue brief discussion of men who implicitly support human trafficking by going to titty bars. Clearly, they have never been to the Vu, where I only accept dances from younger sisters of guys I went to high school with.
-The show will not be filming next Monday, due to a holiday. Apparently the Lions' first Monday Night Football game in a decade (or, possibly Cheryl's birthday) counts as a national holiday in Central American countries.
-Commercial break: "Belize annual Park-Fest! Bring the entire family! Prizes! Bouncy castle! Beer-drinking contest! The after-party keeps it goin' at 11:00!"
And, that's a wrap!
Conversations You Missed
Here are a couple samples of important conversations that you're missing out on while you're probably talking about irrelevant things like "human trafficking" and "global issues."
Kristen (via text): "I think I've deciphered from your voicemail that you're my brother, that I don't have to listen to Ben, it's too late (?) and you miss Chris. Not sure what all that means, but I appreciate your call."
Ted: "Us destroying our bodies is the only way the Lions will ever win!"
Me: "I just threw up."
Ted: "It is our burden. The white man's burden."
Me: "I love you, bud!"
Ben: "Stop calling me 'bud.'"
No way are you having such deep and meaningful conversations in Belize.
Kristen (via text): "I think I've deciphered from your voicemail that you're my brother, that I don't have to listen to Ben, it's too late (?) and you miss Chris. Not sure what all that means, but I appreciate your call."
Ted: "Us destroying our bodies is the only way the Lions will ever win!"
Me: "I just threw up."
Ted: "It is our burden. The white man's burden."
Me: "I love you, bud!"
Ben: "Stop calling me 'bud.'"
No way are you having such deep and meaningful conversations in Belize.
Drunken Lions Recap - Week 4
Chris,
Let me start off by saying that the Flash Taco burrito that I am eating is simply delicious. I am not exactly sure how the Lions won today (I'll get to that later), as I followed up the win by going to Passine's and then back to the Corners for more drinks. The Monday night game between the Lions and Bears should be wild.
Also, I'm watching Taken right now, and it's still awesome. I hope you don't get sold into sexual slavery like Liam Neeson's daughter. OR DO I?
So, the Lions sucked dick to start the game. Stafford was flat-out bad. No question. At halftime, the Lions were down by a score of 27-3. (Just keep in mind that none of this was official, because I tried once again, to do a shot every time the Lions recorded a first down). Seriously? Fuck you, Famke Jannsen! You're good looking, but let Liam Neeson give his fucking daughter a present. Fuck you, too, STUART. Just because you're fucking Liam Neeson's ex-wife doesn't mean you are her father. God damnit. People these days.
The Lions came back with two pick-sixes. Bobby Carpenter had the first (I don't know if it was credited to him, as he fumbled it in the endzone and Eric Wright picked it up.) and South Padre had the second. So with the score 27-17 (?), the Lions scored the next two touchdowns in traditional fashion: CALVIN MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON. Two more touchdowns, bud. The first one was in triple coverage. He's so god damned good. I am drunk.
I love you.
Dave
Let me start off by saying that the Flash Taco burrito that I am eating is simply delicious. I am not exactly sure how the Lions won today (I'll get to that later), as I followed up the win by going to Passine's and then back to the Corners for more drinks. The Monday night game between the Lions and Bears should be wild.
Also, I'm watching Taken right now, and it's still awesome. I hope you don't get sold into sexual slavery like Liam Neeson's daughter. OR DO I?
So, the Lions sucked dick to start the game. Stafford was flat-out bad. No question. At halftime, the Lions were down by a score of 27-3. (Just keep in mind that none of this was official, because I tried once again, to do a shot every time the Lions recorded a first down). Seriously? Fuck you, Famke Jannsen! You're good looking, but let Liam Neeson give his fucking daughter a present. Fuck you, too, STUART. Just because you're fucking Liam Neeson's ex-wife doesn't mean you are her father. God damnit. People these days.
The Lions came back with two pick-sixes. Bobby Carpenter had the first (I don't know if it was credited to him, as he fumbled it in the endzone and Eric Wright picked it up.) and South Padre had the second. So with the score 27-17 (?), the Lions scored the next two touchdowns in traditional fashion: CALVIN MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON. Two more touchdowns, bud. The first one was in triple coverage. He's so god damned good. I am drunk.
I love you.
Dave
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Day 1: The Internet in foreign countries is of adequate speed.
My dearest David,
After three stops and about eight hours of flying, I've arrived in Belize. More specifically, Belize City (Population: 70,000). Before I go into what will certainly confirm your views on foreign countries, I'd like to share a few notes from my journey this morning.
International flights beat the shit out of domestic ones. My experience thus far only consists of Taca International (catch phrase: "Another on-time flight with Taca!"), but let's count the ways in which this flight topped its American domestic counterparts:
1. Tons of Central and South American dudes with mustaches wearing cowboy hats. Pretty much speaks for itself. But seriously, I thought I was on a plane with about 24 Latin Burt Reynolds impersonators.
2. Hot flight attendants. (Read: Not gay men [although the male flight attendants were certainly comely enough, from a hetero perspective] or elderly women). Maybe this is just a Latin thing; I'll have to gather more data.
3. Airline food. I didn't realize this actually still existed, but I was treated to a delightful breakfast of spongy hotcakes with hot apples, a cup of strawberry yogurt, two muffins, and a Bloody Mary to wash it down. Not bad.
4. Every time we arrived at a stop, the pilot would come over the PA and announce our arrival (not unusual), followed by "Thank you for flying with Tacaaaaaaaaaa..." with an elongated whisper at the end (unusual).
Side note: What's going on with the Lions? I only have stat updates at the moment, but this is brutal so far.
Anyway, back to Belize. Katie has just entered my room to express concern that the contents of this blog could be damaging to our travels (in Central/South America, at least) due to the possibly high levels of vulgarity/offensive content. Well, I haven't used much profanity thus far, but I think I speak for both of us when I say FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'll Google myself when this post is done to see if I show up (as a precaution, I've changed my name to Doggfrey).
Belize City seems cool enough, but I have no doubt you'd be uncomfortable, due to your noted distrust of non-whites. I'll have more info on that as my stay continues. Katie has to be interviewed for TV and go to social events at the American Embassy and shit. And, as her greasy-haired male companion, I have to film everything. The things I do for cheap travel.
Are you at Duffy's? And the obvious follow-up is: Are you blackout already?
-Doggins
After three stops and about eight hours of flying, I've arrived in Belize. More specifically, Belize City (Population: 70,000). Before I go into what will certainly confirm your views on foreign countries, I'd like to share a few notes from my journey this morning.
International flights beat the shit out of domestic ones. My experience thus far only consists of Taca International (catch phrase: "Another on-time flight with Taca!"), but let's count the ways in which this flight topped its American domestic counterparts:
1. Tons of Central and South American dudes with mustaches wearing cowboy hats. Pretty much speaks for itself. But seriously, I thought I was on a plane with about 24 Latin Burt Reynolds impersonators.
2. Hot flight attendants. (Read: Not gay men [although the male flight attendants were certainly comely enough, from a hetero perspective] or elderly women). Maybe this is just a Latin thing; I'll have to gather more data.
3. Airline food. I didn't realize this actually still existed, but I was treated to a delightful breakfast of spongy hotcakes with hot apples, a cup of strawberry yogurt, two muffins, and a Bloody Mary to wash it down. Not bad.
4. Every time we arrived at a stop, the pilot would come over the PA and announce our arrival (not unusual), followed by "Thank you for flying with Tacaaaaaaaaaa..." with an elongated whisper at the end (unusual).
Side note: What's going on with the Lions? I only have stat updates at the moment, but this is brutal so far.
Anyway, back to Belize. Katie has just entered my room to express concern that the contents of this blog could be damaging to our travels (in Central/South America, at least) due to the possibly high levels of vulgarity/offensive content. Well, I haven't used much profanity thus far, but I think I speak for both of us when I say FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'll Google myself when this post is done to see if I show up (as a precaution, I've changed my name to Doggfrey).
Belize City seems cool enough, but I have no doubt you'd be uncomfortable, due to your noted distrust of non-whites. I'll have more info on that as my stay continues. Katie has to be interviewed for TV and go to social events at the American Embassy and shit. And, as her greasy-haired male companion, I have to film everything. The things I do for cheap travel.
Are you at Duffy's? And the obvious follow-up is: Are you blackout already?
-Doggins
First of Many
Chris,
You haven't even been gone for 12 hours and I've already had the first instance of me trying to contact you. Jim Schwartz just tweeted that he's listening to Cowboys from Hell on the bus ride to the game today. I had my phone out and the text half-written before I caught myself.
Point of the story: LIONS. I will write my drunken recap when I wake up after the game.
Dave
You haven't even been gone for 12 hours and I've already had the first instance of me trying to contact you. Jim Schwartz just tweeted that he's listening to Cowboys from Hell on the bus ride to the game today. I had my phone out and the text half-written before I caught myself.
Point of the story: LIONS. I will write my drunken recap when I wake up after the game.
Dave
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