I mean, I'm not technically live blogging this shit, but I took extensive notes on the service tonight so that I could share them with you. I hope you're ready, because shit is about to get real. This is going to be, by far, my best contribution to the blog thus far. It is also the post that I hope our father never sees.
(Note: All times are approximate, as I don't wear a watch and did not take my cell phone. I also drank two bottles of wine with Randall between the service and now.)
11:01 p.m. - The service begins with a prayer. I am immediately taken aback by the superlatives used. I mean, I guess if you're an all-powerful god, it's to be expected, but lines like "you make this holy night radiant with your splendor," are tough for me to take.
11:02 p.m. - The first song of the night. I don't know that I ever realized how terrible of a singer our mother is. I have never claimed to be a good singer, but I mask my lack of ability by singing quietly and without much passion. Our mother, on the other hand, sings fairly loudly and absolutely refuses to sing the notes on the page. Instead, she tries to sing some sort of weird harmony that never matches. It's brutal.
11:10 p.m. - For the first time, the crowd (congregation) is asked to recite lines in unison. Is there anything more terrifying than a large crowd saying the same words in monotone? Honestly, just throw some inflection in there or you sound like a cult.
11:14 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! Randall has his first speaking part of the day and he absolutely crushes it. He really made Isaiah 9:2-7 his bitch. Some parts of this reading sound like Spartacus lines ("You have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire."),while others sound like self-appointed titles for Kim Jong Il ("Wonderful Counselor" and "Everlasting Father."). On a side note, these predictions seem to focus quite a bit on Jesus's political implications. "...And the government will be on his shoulders...He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom." I don't seem to remember that happening.
11:19 p.m. - This song is really taking advantage of artistic license. "Who with the Father ever art and Holy Spirit, one." That is not English.
11:22 p.m. - I had a note in here to talk about serious religious issues, but I don't want to do that anymore. My main question was why Jesus dying helped anyone. Was there some back-alley bet with Satan about whether or not God could get his son to die? And the winner got humanity? Seriously, I need to know, my biggest problem with Christianity is that I don't understand why Jesus's life and death helped anyone out.
11:26 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! After cruising through most of the first gospel reading, our father stumbles over the last sentence, "because there was no room at the inn." How will he bounce back?! Further notes on the reading: Caesar Augustus was a bold dude. "That all the world should be taxed?" Ballsy. Although America, the greatest country ever, would not have stood for this. No taxation without representation, Caesar! Also, was it a wise decision to drag a woman that is nine months pregnant across a desert? Theory: Jesus was a premature baby.
11:32 p.m. - At this point, it becomes a giant thank you to Jesus for coming to Earth as a baby in a manger. WHY?! Wouldn't it have been better if Jesus had come to Earth as a conquering angel like Tim Tebow? "You chose to be born an infant in time - praise be to you!" What am I missing? If Jesus came down, wrecked some people's shit with a flaming sword and than asked me to believe in him, you can bet your ass he would have my support.
11:35 p.m. - Randall bounces back with a strong performance in the second gospel reading. The program says "pleaser be seated" right before the reading, but the congregation, having done this before, knows that you stand for the gospel. No one sits. Also, they keep talking about the shepherds leaving to see Jesus. What about their sheep? Did anyone stay behind? Or did they just decide to fuck their careers?
11:38 p.m. - "Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." WTF, Mary? You just gave birth to the savior of humanity and you're not pumped about this? What are you pondering? Get excited. Also, was there a reason Mary was chosen? Is this ever discussed? Was there a lottery? Were ping pong balls involved in this process?
11:40 p.m. - The line "Your eternal Word leaped down from heaven in the silent watches of the night," solves the abortion question. Life doesn't begin until your soul shoots down from heaven in the middle of the night during birth.
11:42 p.m. - A Ronald Hauser original carol.
11:45 p.m. - CELEBRATION MOTHERFUCKING HANDBELL CHOIR. It's not a church service at Immanuel until you get some hot handbell action. This happens during the voluntary, as I am sitting with mother and our grandmother, I realize there is a legit chance that I'll have to wave off the plate guy, I check my wallet and notice that I have $1. I fold it so that you can't see what it is before putting it in the tray. Side note: the big picture at the front of the church has Jesus looking very feminine,
11:50 p.m. - My worst, and most blasphemous thought of the night. The reverend says, "He comes to us quietly, with little fanfare," is read, and in my mind, is immediately followed by "like a rapist in the night." That's right. I think tahat Jesus "comes to us quietly, without fanfare, like a rapist in the night," I have a hard time not laughing for the rest of the service.
11:53 p.m. - More praise is lavished upon baby Jesus. I have to imagine that this was some kind of Look Who's Talking situation.
11:59 p.m. - The last reading is finished. The service is over. Or is it?! MORE HANDBELL ACTION IN YOUR MOUTH! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
This is easily your best addition to the blog. You may as well retire now, because you know you're never going to top this shit.
ReplyDeleteI would list a number of aspects of last night's service that I found ridiculous, but that would be pointless. I assume you've attended Catholic services before. Oh, Immanuel's congregation was freaking you out by speaking in unison? Try spending THREE FUCKING HOURS singing and chanting in NOTHING BUT LATIN. How am I supposed to feel uplifted when I can't understand a goddamn (pun!) word I'm speaking (I mean, aside from the obvious ones).
On another note, Katie and I got pretty good seats for the service last night. How good? Middle section? Front row? No thanks. Try right next to the motha-fuckin' CHOIR. That's right; I sat closer to the priests than Mahmoud Abbas, president of the Palestinian Authority. I entered forbidden areas of the Church of the Nativity last night, both to get to my seat and to leave early. That's right. I left early from the FRONT OF THE CHURCH. We had to walk through secret tunnels that are forbidden to non-priests. (On a side note, I know Kate was Miss Mich. and everything, but this seemed way above her status; I mean, sure, her title was pretty sweet, but we outclassed Mahmoud Abbas last night [and then left]. People really want a piece of her action in every country.)
In response to your comments:
Re: Jesus' political implications: Yep, that definitely didn't happen. Unless you count the State of Israel. And, judging from their treatment of Bethlehem and a few million Palestinian Christians, I don't think they're down with J.C.
You know Ron Hauser pulls out all the stops for Christmas, baby. If I remember correctly, his titles were always weirdly constructed. I assume the name was like "This night of many blessings" or some shit.
Re: Why Jesus' death helped anyone: I've always felt that way about the story of Job (Bluth). "Hey, Job, thanks for praising me and everything. I'm kind of bored, though, and I guess I'm really insecure, since Satan can apparently just bait me into doing anything. (Side note: Why is Satan visiting Heaven to shoot the shit with God? I'm sorry, but if a guy tries to incite revolution in your country, shouldn't he AT LEAST be banished?) Anyway, ol' Lucifer and I were chatting over a cup of tea, and he convinced me that you're actually not that good of a dude. So, if you don't mind, I'm just going to burn your crops, butcher your livestock, and have some raiders come to rape and murder your family. Sound cool? Thanks, man. Oh, sorry about those sores all over your body. Ew. That's just gross."
How much longer until we have a church of Tebow? They lost to the Bills last night, though. That's a bad sign. Jesus has been busy the last couple weeks, it being his birthday and all.
I laughed out loud at both the abortion and rapist lines. Good thing we're such good, moral people.
I love you. Merry Christmas.
All three of us seemed to have been in the same boat last night. I attended church with Kristen's family, including her father, who is a great dude but is also a staunch conservative Catholic. I am still surprised that he ever gave us the blessing to live together. Anyway, we have many of the same observations, including the chanting. I personally enjoyed the way the "Holy Book" was paraded around and displayed above the Priest's head for all the congregation to see before it was opened. It could've been a Hustler for all I know, it was just a big red book. Two observations about the difference between Catholics and Lutherans:
ReplyDelete1. You are asked to stand and kneel a lot more in a Catholic church. In fact, the 3rd time I was asked to kneel last night (and not for short durations), I glared at Kristen and refused to kneel. I'm not sure if this is blasphemy or not, but they should be happy I knelt the first two times. I don't bow to anybody. I'm sure her Dad was impressed by this. I know the dude across the way that was glaring at me was -- I'm sure he was impressed by me the entire service. I'm sorry I don't know your holy water and crossing your heart rituals. CULT.
2. Communion at a Catholic Church obviously does not apply to the rules of western medicine and communicable diseases. They use the same cup and just wipe it off with a rag. Hundreds of times. Gross. They blame the outbreak of herpes in America on those crazy kids and gays, but in reality, I'm sure that someone caught the herp last night from taking their Christmas Communion. And that dude wasn't me.
Merry Christmas C-Murda, but more importantly, Go Lions. Love you and miss you, my brother.
-Fatti