Just to piss you off, Chris: Erik Coleman is having a Twitter conversation with the Fox Sports Robot (Cleatus).
You're welcome.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dave Olmsted has moved on
Dave Olmsted took me out on a date to Kelly's yesterday. It was romantic for about two hours until Sam and Lillian showed up with an international gang and ruined it. Of course, the only option at that point was to start doing shots and go to the Corners with Roderick (which I did).
The Tigers play tonight in Game 5 against the Yankees with Fister (hardly even know her!) on the mound against Ivan Nova. Passion Tsunami is a little upset that I am skipping our kickball game to watch it. I maintain that you would do the same thing and there was a little debate over it. So let's clear that up: would you skip kickball to watch an elimination game in the playoffs?
Nachofest is this weekend, too. Ted and I tried to book the Governor's Suite at the Marriott in downtown East Lansing (the most luxurious room in all of East Lansing!), but unfortunately, it was already booked (probably by the governor). Keehner and I have discussed having a velvet rope section with a couch for our VIP keg this year and I fully support this. I had Keehner text one of the dudes that now runs Nachofest about getting me a party package and the response was, "We already have one for him. #obvious." This may be my last one if Joe can't make it. Once it gets down to me and Arj, it's time for me to bow out gracefully. Everyone knows that Arj will be the last man standing in anything related to being in the vicinity of East Lansing. He's like Charlie from It's Always Sunny.
This entire post seems choppy and not very put together. Oh well, I'm on my lunch break at work. Suck it, Grynchy.
I'm sure we'll discuss this topic more in the coming days, but Lions vs. Bears on Monday Night Football is going to be full of arguments, alcohol and possibly (probably?) jail time. It's going to be out of control.
Finaly note: I think Katie left her phone on the charger at Brandon's, as there is a phone there whose owner we cannot track down. Plus it's locked. Can you confirm this?
Love,
Dave
The Tigers play tonight in Game 5 against the Yankees with Fister (hardly even know her!) on the mound against Ivan Nova. Passion Tsunami is a little upset that I am skipping our kickball game to watch it. I maintain that you would do the same thing and there was a little debate over it. So let's clear that up: would you skip kickball to watch an elimination game in the playoffs?
Nachofest is this weekend, too. Ted and I tried to book the Governor's Suite at the Marriott in downtown East Lansing (the most luxurious room in all of East Lansing!), but unfortunately, it was already booked (probably by the governor). Keehner and I have discussed having a velvet rope section with a couch for our VIP keg this year and I fully support this. I had Keehner text one of the dudes that now runs Nachofest about getting me a party package and the response was, "We already have one for him. #obvious." This may be my last one if Joe can't make it. Once it gets down to me and Arj, it's time for me to bow out gracefully. Everyone knows that Arj will be the last man standing in anything related to being in the vicinity of East Lansing. He's like Charlie from It's Always Sunny.
This entire post seems choppy and not very put together. Oh well, I'm on my lunch break at work. Suck it, Grynchy.
I'm sure we'll discuss this topic more in the coming days, but Lions vs. Bears on Monday Night Football is going to be full of arguments, alcohol and possibly (probably?) jail time. It's going to be out of control.
Finaly note: I think Katie left her phone on the charger at Brandon's, as there is a phone there whose owner we cannot track down. Plus it's locked. Can you confirm this?
Love,
Dave
Monday, October 3, 2011
I am a good person! (Pt. 1 of ?)
Hey, David,
Funny you should mention all the important conversations I'm supposedly having. This evening, Katie sat on a panel of four women to discuss human trafficking live on Belizean television. As expected, it was a laugh riot. I sat in the studio taking notes during the 90-minute show. The following are excerpts from my notebook, almost entirely verbatim:
-2 minutes to showtime. Katie apologizes for the length of her skirt. Cameraman insists it is not a problem. Cameraman is male.
-Katie mistakenly declares that Bay City is an hour and a half north of Detroit (two hours).
-Virginia (host) declares that they will now be accepting phone-in questions. I pray there is a Belizean version of Matt Kelly out there. My prayers will no doubt go unanswered.
-During her description of the Partners chapter, Abigail mentions cultural exchanges between countries, specifically music. She says "Steel Pan" went to America. I fully expected her to say "Steel Panther." I am disappointed when this is not so.
-Apparently going to a strip club can suport human trafficking. Cue brief discussion of men who implicitly support human trafficking by going to titty bars. Clearly, they have never been to the Vu, where I only accept dances from younger sisters of guys I went to high school with.
-The show will not be filming next Monday, due to a holiday. Apparently the Lions' first Monday Night Football game in a decade (or, possibly Cheryl's birthday) counts as a national holiday in Central American countries.
-Commercial break: "Belize annual Park-Fest! Bring the entire family! Prizes! Bouncy castle! Beer-drinking contest! The after-party keeps it goin' at 11:00!"
And, that's a wrap!
Funny you should mention all the important conversations I'm supposedly having. This evening, Katie sat on a panel of four women to discuss human trafficking live on Belizean television. As expected, it was a laugh riot. I sat in the studio taking notes during the 90-minute show. The following are excerpts from my notebook, almost entirely verbatim:
-2 minutes to showtime. Katie apologizes for the length of her skirt. Cameraman insists it is not a problem. Cameraman is male.
-Katie mistakenly declares that Bay City is an hour and a half north of Detroit (two hours).
-Virginia (host) declares that they will now be accepting phone-in questions. I pray there is a Belizean version of Matt Kelly out there. My prayers will no doubt go unanswered.
-During her description of the Partners chapter, Abigail mentions cultural exchanges between countries, specifically music. She says "Steel Pan" went to America. I fully expected her to say "Steel Panther." I am disappointed when this is not so.
-Apparently going to a strip club can suport human trafficking. Cue brief discussion of men who implicitly support human trafficking by going to titty bars. Clearly, they have never been to the Vu, where I only accept dances from younger sisters of guys I went to high school with.
-The show will not be filming next Monday, due to a holiday. Apparently the Lions' first Monday Night Football game in a decade (or, possibly Cheryl's birthday) counts as a national holiday in Central American countries.
-Commercial break: "Belize annual Park-Fest! Bring the entire family! Prizes! Bouncy castle! Beer-drinking contest! The after-party keeps it goin' at 11:00!"
And, that's a wrap!
Conversations You Missed
Here are a couple samples of important conversations that you're missing out on while you're probably talking about irrelevant things like "human trafficking" and "global issues."
Kristen (via text): "I think I've deciphered from your voicemail that you're my brother, that I don't have to listen to Ben, it's too late (?) and you miss Chris. Not sure what all that means, but I appreciate your call."
Ted: "Us destroying our bodies is the only way the Lions will ever win!"
Me: "I just threw up."
Ted: "It is our burden. The white man's burden."
Me: "I love you, bud!"
Ben: "Stop calling me 'bud.'"
No way are you having such deep and meaningful conversations in Belize.
Kristen (via text): "I think I've deciphered from your voicemail that you're my brother, that I don't have to listen to Ben, it's too late (?) and you miss Chris. Not sure what all that means, but I appreciate your call."
Ted: "Us destroying our bodies is the only way the Lions will ever win!"
Me: "I just threw up."
Ted: "It is our burden. The white man's burden."
Me: "I love you, bud!"
Ben: "Stop calling me 'bud.'"
No way are you having such deep and meaningful conversations in Belize.
Drunken Lions Recap - Week 4
Chris,
Let me start off by saying that the Flash Taco burrito that I am eating is simply delicious. I am not exactly sure how the Lions won today (I'll get to that later), as I followed up the win by going to Passine's and then back to the Corners for more drinks. The Monday night game between the Lions and Bears should be wild.
Also, I'm watching Taken right now, and it's still awesome. I hope you don't get sold into sexual slavery like Liam Neeson's daughter. OR DO I?
So, the Lions sucked dick to start the game. Stafford was flat-out bad. No question. At halftime, the Lions were down by a score of 27-3. (Just keep in mind that none of this was official, because I tried once again, to do a shot every time the Lions recorded a first down). Seriously? Fuck you, Famke Jannsen! You're good looking, but let Liam Neeson give his fucking daughter a present. Fuck you, too, STUART. Just because you're fucking Liam Neeson's ex-wife doesn't mean you are her father. God damnit. People these days.
The Lions came back with two pick-sixes. Bobby Carpenter had the first (I don't know if it was credited to him, as he fumbled it in the endzone and Eric Wright picked it up.) and South Padre had the second. So with the score 27-17 (?), the Lions scored the next two touchdowns in traditional fashion: CALVIN MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON. Two more touchdowns, bud. The first one was in triple coverage. He's so god damned good. I am drunk.
I love you.
Dave
Let me start off by saying that the Flash Taco burrito that I am eating is simply delicious. I am not exactly sure how the Lions won today (I'll get to that later), as I followed up the win by going to Passine's and then back to the Corners for more drinks. The Monday night game between the Lions and Bears should be wild.
Also, I'm watching Taken right now, and it's still awesome. I hope you don't get sold into sexual slavery like Liam Neeson's daughter. OR DO I?
So, the Lions sucked dick to start the game. Stafford was flat-out bad. No question. At halftime, the Lions were down by a score of 27-3. (Just keep in mind that none of this was official, because I tried once again, to do a shot every time the Lions recorded a first down). Seriously? Fuck you, Famke Jannsen! You're good looking, but let Liam Neeson give his fucking daughter a present. Fuck you, too, STUART. Just because you're fucking Liam Neeson's ex-wife doesn't mean you are her father. God damnit. People these days.
The Lions came back with two pick-sixes. Bobby Carpenter had the first (I don't know if it was credited to him, as he fumbled it in the endzone and Eric Wright picked it up.) and South Padre had the second. So with the score 27-17 (?), the Lions scored the next two touchdowns in traditional fashion: CALVIN MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON. Two more touchdowns, bud. The first one was in triple coverage. He's so god damned good. I am drunk.
I love you.
Dave
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Day 1: The Internet in foreign countries is of adequate speed.
My dearest David,
After three stops and about eight hours of flying, I've arrived in Belize. More specifically, Belize City (Population: 70,000). Before I go into what will certainly confirm your views on foreign countries, I'd like to share a few notes from my journey this morning.
International flights beat the shit out of domestic ones. My experience thus far only consists of Taca International (catch phrase: "Another on-time flight with Taca!"), but let's count the ways in which this flight topped its American domestic counterparts:
1. Tons of Central and South American dudes with mustaches wearing cowboy hats. Pretty much speaks for itself. But seriously, I thought I was on a plane with about 24 Latin Burt Reynolds impersonators.
2. Hot flight attendants. (Read: Not gay men [although the male flight attendants were certainly comely enough, from a hetero perspective] or elderly women). Maybe this is just a Latin thing; I'll have to gather more data.
3. Airline food. I didn't realize this actually still existed, but I was treated to a delightful breakfast of spongy hotcakes with hot apples, a cup of strawberry yogurt, two muffins, and a Bloody Mary to wash it down. Not bad.
4. Every time we arrived at a stop, the pilot would come over the PA and announce our arrival (not unusual), followed by "Thank you for flying with Tacaaaaaaaaaa..." with an elongated whisper at the end (unusual).
Side note: What's going on with the Lions? I only have stat updates at the moment, but this is brutal so far.
Anyway, back to Belize. Katie has just entered my room to express concern that the contents of this blog could be damaging to our travels (in Central/South America, at least) due to the possibly high levels of vulgarity/offensive content. Well, I haven't used much profanity thus far, but I think I speak for both of us when I say FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'll Google myself when this post is done to see if I show up (as a precaution, I've changed my name to Doggfrey).
Belize City seems cool enough, but I have no doubt you'd be uncomfortable, due to your noted distrust of non-whites. I'll have more info on that as my stay continues. Katie has to be interviewed for TV and go to social events at the American Embassy and shit. And, as her greasy-haired male companion, I have to film everything. The things I do for cheap travel.
Are you at Duffy's? And the obvious follow-up is: Are you blackout already?
-Doggins
After three stops and about eight hours of flying, I've arrived in Belize. More specifically, Belize City (Population: 70,000). Before I go into what will certainly confirm your views on foreign countries, I'd like to share a few notes from my journey this morning.
International flights beat the shit out of domestic ones. My experience thus far only consists of Taca International (catch phrase: "Another on-time flight with Taca!"), but let's count the ways in which this flight topped its American domestic counterparts:
1. Tons of Central and South American dudes with mustaches wearing cowboy hats. Pretty much speaks for itself. But seriously, I thought I was on a plane with about 24 Latin Burt Reynolds impersonators.
2. Hot flight attendants. (Read: Not gay men [although the male flight attendants were certainly comely enough, from a hetero perspective] or elderly women). Maybe this is just a Latin thing; I'll have to gather more data.
3. Airline food. I didn't realize this actually still existed, but I was treated to a delightful breakfast of spongy hotcakes with hot apples, a cup of strawberry yogurt, two muffins, and a Bloody Mary to wash it down. Not bad.
4. Every time we arrived at a stop, the pilot would come over the PA and announce our arrival (not unusual), followed by "Thank you for flying with Tacaaaaaaaaaa..." with an elongated whisper at the end (unusual).
Side note: What's going on with the Lions? I only have stat updates at the moment, but this is brutal so far.
Anyway, back to Belize. Katie has just entered my room to express concern that the contents of this blog could be damaging to our travels (in Central/South America, at least) due to the possibly high levels of vulgarity/offensive content. Well, I haven't used much profanity thus far, but I think I speak for both of us when I say FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'll Google myself when this post is done to see if I show up (as a precaution, I've changed my name to Doggfrey).
Belize City seems cool enough, but I have no doubt you'd be uncomfortable, due to your noted distrust of non-whites. I'll have more info on that as my stay continues. Katie has to be interviewed for TV and go to social events at the American Embassy and shit. And, as her greasy-haired male companion, I have to film everything. The things I do for cheap travel.
Are you at Duffy's? And the obvious follow-up is: Are you blackout already?
-Doggins
First of Many
Chris,
You haven't even been gone for 12 hours and I've already had the first instance of me trying to contact you. Jim Schwartz just tweeted that he's listening to Cowboys from Hell on the bus ride to the game today. I had my phone out and the text half-written before I caught myself.
Point of the story: LIONS. I will write my drunken recap when I wake up after the game.
Dave
You haven't even been gone for 12 hours and I've already had the first instance of me trying to contact you. Jim Schwartz just tweeted that he's listening to Cowboys from Hell on the bus ride to the game today. I had my phone out and the text half-written before I caught myself.
Point of the story: LIONS. I will write my drunken recap when I wake up after the game.
Dave
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