Fridays With Doggins

In arguably the most surprising turn of events in Detroit media history, Mitch Albom's article on the Lions' first-round draft pick actually seems more negative than Drew Sharp's. (Granted, Drew Sharp once again waves his "character concerns" flag, but he does it by hoping to avoid any "'Reiff-er Madness' headlines." And, since that is a play on words, topical, and a decent [if antiquated] pop culture reference, I'll accept it.) So, because I'm bored, and love the Lions, I've decided to do an FJM-style take on Mitch Albom's piece.

Lions' picking Reilly Reiff not flashy, but sensible

I can agree with that. Offensive line picks are probably the least sexy of any position outside of punter. But, Reiff is a tackle, at least. Sexier than a center. So far, off to a solid start, Mitch!

They stayed put. They didn't move. While it seemed like every team in the NFL was making draft-night trades, the Lions remained in the sandbox, watching the other kids jump on the swings and the monkey bars.

Patented Mitch Albom weird metaphor. Because, football is a game, so teams are like children, I guess? And doesn't it seem as though Albom is implying that the monkey bars and swings are somehow cooler? I enjoyed playing in the sandbox as a child. Dick.


This either makes them very slow, very smart or very satisfied.

Not specific to the Lions' draft pick. Not specific to any of the trades that occurred in the first round. Not specific to any team's pick, in any draft, ever.

They would have you believe it was "satisfied."

Again, something that could be said for any team. Even Oakland, who didn't have a first-round pick because they traded for Carson Palmer (whoops!).

[T]he part of me that agrees with that is the part that sees quarterback Matthew Stafford as the most valuable piece of this franchise -- and protecting him the most important thing the franchise can do.

The franchise quarterback is the most valuable piece of the franchise? That seems crazy, Mitch, but I'll play along. Curious, though: who does the other part of you see as the most valuable piece of the franchise? Nate Hughes? Ashlee Palmer? Don Muhlbach? I bet it's Don Muhlbach.

The part of me that is less than thrilled remembers Gosder Cherilus, the Lions' first-round pick just four years ago. Because Reiff, to win a starting job, is most likely going to compete with Cherilus for right tackle, which means one of those first two picks is going to end up behind the other.

Well, yes, Reiff can play four different positions on the offensive line. And it is possible that Reiff will challenge Cherilus for the starting RT spot. Given Cherilus' inconsistencies, some competition is probably a good thing, no? Also, by "one of those first two picks," I assume you meant "one of those two first-round picks," right? Check with your editor on that one.

Oh, and there is this line by Jim Schwartz: "Reilly is a left tackle." I think that should be taken under advisement.

And that's not a productive way to draft.

First-round picks not living up to their draft status is not "productive." I agree, Mitch. That isn't a productive way to draft. I'm not sure who you're criticizing here, though. Martin Mayhew is the Lions' GM. Gosder Cherilus was a Matt Millen draft pick. Matt Millen's drafts were generally regarded as "not productive." Almost all of Matt Millen's decisions were regarded as "not productive." Matt Millen has become a case study in ways to be "not productive." Matt Millen was fired over three years ago. I would argue that selecting talented players, regardless of position, is a "productive" way to draft. (I'm still not sure whether you think Mayhew's pick was "sensible" or somehow "not productive.")

And here's where the wheels come off...

[B]y the time the Lions got around to sending Calvin Johnson to the podium to announce their pick -- after he plugged his Madden football cover (and by the way, can we stop acting like being chosen to grace a video game is somehow the equivalent of making the Hall of Fame?)--there was little else for Detroit to do but pick an offensive lineman.

Calvin Johnson. What a corporate lackey! What a vapid yes-man! That stooge! He should've refused to plug Madden '13, which would probably be a breach of contract, and thus result in the Calvin Johnson, Jr. Foundation not receiving all that money to help at-risk youth. But at least he would have stood up to the Man! Those kids could have learned something about a little thing called ethics! Way to "drop the ball," Calvin!

No one equates Madden covers with HOF status, Mitch. Madden NFL is a popular video game. The cover vote is a fun way to get the fans involved. Unlike with HOF status (which should not be voted on by the fans, by the way), people get to participate in deciding who will grace the cover of Madden. They get excited about that sort of thing. Should they not?

You're criticizing Calvin Johnson. Calvin Johnson, who is universally revered as a genuinely good person and positive example of how to conduct oneself as a professional athlete. (He is also pretty good at football.) I assume your follow-up article will be "Too low-key: How Lidstrom's lack of fire doomed the Red Wings."

What they really needed was secondary help, and the best players in those positions were gone by the 10th pick...That essentially cleared the decks. Dre Kirkpatrick from Alabama (nickname "Swag") was still there at 17, but the Lions made no move to jump up, perhaps believing that their defense was already swaggering enough.

On one hand, we have you: "The Lions made no move to jump up." On the other hand, we have Lions GM Martin Mayhew: "As usual, we looked at all of our options. We looked at moving up. At one point, we talked about moving back." You do realize that draft-day trades don't just spontaneously happen, right? Could it be possible that the Lions just couldn't find an acceptable trade partner? It takes two to tango. Even Drew Sharp recognizes this fact, and he believes the Detroit Lions are some sort of biblical plague unleashed upon the state of Michigan.

His fans say he's solid. His critics say he's not the strongest or fastest guy. And Mel Kiper is worried he has short arms. Honestly. Short arms. If I have to listen to Kiper five more minutes, I'll blow up the TV set.

Making fun of Mel Kiper's catchphrases (or hair) is like complaining that professional wrestling seems fake. It's hacky and obvious.

But such is the NFL draft, the most overblown non-event in the current rack of overblown non-events. After all, no games are won or lost on draft night. The only sweating comes from hot lights or chili dogs.

In the literal sense, this is correct. No professional football games are played in Radio City Music Hall. (Although Ray Lewis running onstage, drilling Andrew Luck in the chest, and standing over his comatose body, screaming "WELCOME TO THE NFL, YOU PUNK BITCH!" would make for some must-see TV.) But, as the Detroit Free Press' presiding master of metaphor, aren't you aware of the fallacy of that statement? Where would the Lions be if Mayhew had taken Aaron Curry instead of Matthew Stafford in 2009? What if Oakland had taken Calvin Johnson, and Matt Millen had drafted JaMarcus Russell? I believe those decisions might have affected the Lions' win-loss record.

I mean, really, all the time, effort, analysis and double-analysis, and the Lions end up with a guy who, once he pulls on his helmet, will disappear from most people's view for the length of his career? Was that really the party you were counting on?

If Reilly Reiff ends up being a high-caliber offensive tackle for the next decade, then yes. It was exactly the party I was counting on. And, how can you argue that a possible left tackle of the future will "disappear from most people's view for the length of his career?" No one on the Lions takes more grief than Jeff Backus (an offensive tackle himself, you know).

Here is all you need to know about the NFL draft. The man who helped make it a three-day event with a prime-time telecast, commissioner Roger Goodell, got booed every time he stepped to the podium Thursday night. And he's the guy who gave the fans what they wanted!

Well, he also presided over last offseason's NFL lockout, and many felt he catered exclusively to the whims of the owners. The lockout shortened training camps and threatened the NFL season. Football fans like watching football. They don't react kindly when it's threatened. Also, the Draft is in New York. There are a lot of Jets fans in the crowd. They boo, chant offensively, and are generally obnoxious. It's fucking New York.

Some might ask why Detroit didn't trade up for secondary help. It's a fair question.

Martin Mayhew: "As usual, we looked at all of our options. We looked at moving up. At one point, we talked about moving back."

But then, there's always Rounds 2, 3, 4, etc.

Oh, yeah. But no one ever gets starters out of those rounds.

Maybe Mel Kiper can suggest someone whose arms are long enough. Which begs the question: How long should a man's arms be? Long enough to hit the mute button.

So, like six inches?

Go to the NFL Network, dude. You get Michael Irvin. You never know what kind of nonsense he's going to say at excessive volume.

And, on a related note, John Niyo (who I guarantee makes significantly less than Albom or Sharp) writes a level-headed, non-inflammatory, logical analysis of the pick for the Detroit News.

An Open Letter to Drew Sharp

Hello, Mr. Sharp,

I'd just like to introduce myself. I've been a Detroit Lions fan for as long as I can remember. I still recall watching Barry and the Leos fall to Paul Edinger's last-minute field goal (in all honesty, this is one of my first Lions memories). I've called Chicago my home since 2005, but I've never called the Bears my home team. In fact, I hate the Bears. I bleed Honolulu Blue.

We tend to take different points of view when it comes to the Lions: I like to believe that the team will improve from year to year, with a (arguably) realistic outlook on their division finish. You, on the other hand, make a living by casting a negative light on pretty much anything the Lions do. And, in your negativity, you refuse to be bothered by things like journalistic integrity, or even facts!

Remember when you wrote this article? http://www.freep.com/article/20091030/COL08/910300318/No-sure-win-Rams-superior-personnel

I'm sure you do. It was during Matthew Stafford's rookie season, right after that dreadful 0-16 campaign. And, I mean, that must have been heaven for you. Tell me, how erect were you when you turned in your articles to the Free Press? I'm guessing you ruined at least five pairs of pants that season? No? Too few? Fair enough.

But, let's talk about that article: Remember how Calvin Johnson didn't play that game? Remember how you took Alex Barron over Jeff Backus at left tackle? My oh my, what a comic you are, my friend! Oh, no, wait! "Brandon Pettigrew or Randy McMichael: Where's the dartboard?" Oh, Drew, you've done it again! I'm pretty sure Richie Incognito had already been suspended by that point, but you've never been one to let the facts get in the way of your reporting, my man. But, enough with your award-winning articles from the past. (I do assume they won awards, right?)

Oh, and here was another good one from just last year! (http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/12/02/sharp-lions-players-ticked-off-at-selfish-suh/)

My personal favorite part of this interview is how you claim the Lions are, as the URL says, "ticked off at [Suh for being selfish]." (Sorry, buddy, I have a penchant for correcting grammar--talk to your editor about that!) One thing that may slightly affect your argument is literally the very first thing shown on the video, in which Kyle VandenBosch says "I don't think selfish is the word." Look, I obviously don't have the keen insight and access to the Lions locker room that you do, but might this possibly be contradictory to your point?

Oh, wait, but there's more! Remember when you talked about Matthew Stafford's broken finger as having no effect on his play, and instead asserted that it was merely "experience"? Oh, man, you really pulled one over on us there! You know, because once the glove came off, Matthew Stafford pretty much pulled out his penis on the rest of the NFL? (And so did Calvin Johnson, who the NFL had "figured out" by then--Drew, you soothsayer!)

Most recently, a number of players from the Lions' 2011 draft class have been picked up for marijuana possession. And, in your seat as the judge of all things Detroit Sports (We wouldn't want Mitch Albom there, right? That softy would just acquit everyone!), you have declared that the Lions should "kick Leshoure and Fairley off the team."

Well, fair enough. That is one opinion. But, Drew, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a separate stand on the issue.

First of all, let's get it out of the way by saying I agree that the players' citations for marijuana possession are rather silly. You would call them "numbskulls", but I was born after 1935, so I'll avoid that term. Look, Drew, I know you've never smoked weed (as evidenced by your truly brave admission in the Free Press--that must have taken some real intestinal fortitude!), but I have, and I happen to know how that whole process works. So, I feel a little more justified in declaring the Lions' players' actions stupid. Honestly, Leshoure/Fairley. You can't have a boy of yours go and pick up a bag? You can't afford some sort of delivery service? I mean, good lord, I managed that as a broke college freshman in Chicago! Seriously, delivery right to my dorm room! The service was amazing! So, please try to hurt my team a little less in the future. (Particularly you, Mikel, as you've done literally nothing to help the Lions at this point in your career.)

But, back to your claim, Drew. I'm sorry. I tend to get off topic sometimes. I'm sure you can sympathize. (Oh, speaking of getting off topic, you actually imply that Tom Izzo's player getting picked up affects Jim Schwartz. So, I guess Derrick Nix will never play in the NFL again?) But, you advocate for Leshoure and Fairley's dismissal based on the following logic:

"They can't chance Fairley and Leshoure becoming Charles Rogers 2.0, unquestioned talent tilting toward self-destruction. And as we learned from the former wide receiver's implosion into a haze of abusive, reckless behavior, you can't stop somebody hell-bent on ruining his life."

Now, I'm no Jack McCoy, but I'm pretty sure that Roger Goodell and the NFL treat marijuana with more severity than the U.S. legal system. Thus, as has already been noted, Leshoure may actually face a penalty as severe as a four-game suspension (something I don't think is deserved, and hope doesn't happen). Fairley, with this being his first offense, faces very little disciplinary action. That is, he faces very little disciplinary action from the NFL, who is more severe than the U.S. legal system. But, in the court of Drew Sharp's opinion, he should be removed from the team's roster. Because of, and I paraphrase here, what he might become.

Apparently, the Drew Sharp NFL is based on Minority Report. Get Tom Cruise on the case.

For a guy that recommended Martin Mayhew for NFL executive of the year (http://www.freep.com/article/20120112/COL08/201120628/Drew-Sharp-Drew-Sharp-Lions-Martin-Mayhew-should-be-NFL-executive-of-the-year), you clearly don't understand how he runs a football team.

Anyway, all the best, Drew. Tell Rosenberg I said hey. He does some solid Lions coverage.

Sincerely,

Christopher R. Tomke

You're Going to Love This

It's your favorite writer!

http://www.freep.com/article/20120404/COL08/204040440/1049/rss14

Enjoy yourself.

Pro Bowls are Dumb

Eli Manning, Cam Newton, and Tony Romo are all ahead of Matt Stafford as Pro Bowl Alternates.

Matt Stafford
385-604 (63.7)
4518 yards
36 TD - 14 INT
And, for what it's worth, 10-5

Eli Manning
335-556 (60.3)
4587 yards
26 TD - 16 INT
8-7

Cam Newton
295-492 (60.0)
3893 yards
20 TD - 16 INT
6-9
(To be fair: 674 rushing yards, 14 TD)

Tony Romo
317-485 (65.4)
3895 yards
29 TD - 9 INT
8-7

Pro Bowls are dumb.

Playoffs

I'm truly sorry that you couldn't be here for this Lions season. PLAYOFFS.

Recepticon.

"'Somebody threw a beer bottle at me, I heard,' [Burleson] said.

At least it wasn't full.

'No,' Burleson said. 'If it was full, I might have chugged it.'"

I'm giving this a "rampant alcoholism" tag for the fun of it.

I just had a horrible realization.

The Lions game on Christmas Eve will begin at 11:15 local time here. That is shortly after Midnight Mass begins at the Church of the Nativity. Katie's friend really pulled some strings to get us tickets (i.e., his uncle is the archbishop of Jerusalem).

On one hand, I have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience a Christmas Eve ceremony in Bethlehem, at the site of Christ's birth. On the other hand, the Lions can clinch a playoff spot for the first time this millenium. Will there ever be a more ridiculous/hilarious instance of a man checking his watch during church?

AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BIG-TIME THE ARCHBISHOP OF JERUSALEM?!

Upon further review...

My Lions blog from last night is one of the most rambling pieces of nonsense ever written.

Lions/Saints: 2nd Half

(1st half found below)

They just announced that Madonna will be the Super Bowl halftime performer. How many lumberjacks to I have to fuck to get GWAR to play at the Super Bowl? (Answer: at least 100,000. Probably all double anal.) Incidentally, Matt Leinart is sporting an amazing mustache. Why couldn't he have gone to Seattle, gotten the band back together with ol' Pete, and been the first mustachioed Super Bowl-winning QB in I don't know how many years? Well, other than the fact that he's not very good at football.

2nd half

• Another good run by Kevin Smith. He is like half the speed of Jahvid Best, which makes you wonder how bad Best's vision actually is, that I guy that slow makes entirely better runs than him.
• Nate Burleson and Calvin Johnson have to be the best stiff-arming combination of WRs in the NFL. Remember that great TD against Tampa last year? Oh, wait, nevermind. Nate grabbed the facemask. C'mon, man.
• Kevin Smith is just limping all over the place. He just straight fell down in the open field. How is he more productive than Jahvid Best (side question: how many yards would Best be gaining tonight).
• And...now Kevin Smith is officially out. 80 total yards. Lots of effort.
  
• Hyundai (maybe it was Honda) just had an advertisement with some middle-class white guys rapping about the assorted features (that I assume come standard) with the car. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Oh, yes I am. It was awful.
• Jeff Backus is starting his 173rd straight game. I don't care how you feel about him (I go back and forth, honestly), but that is awesome. Congrats, Jeff.
• Maurice Morris runs headfirst into the pile like he's the Module from TMNT, and he's going to drill through. It works, sort of, I guess.
• 3rd and 1 becomes 3rd and 16 because Titus Young throws a goddamn punch after the whistle. Field goal attempt. Again: C'mon, man. 24-10. Now, in one of life's great ironies, Dominic Raiola is yelling at Titus Young for making a stupid mistake in anger. I think Brett Favre used to criticize Aaron Rodgers for making dumb throws, too. (Just kidding; he criticized him for sending dick pics.)
  
• New show on NBC: Who's Still Standing?, a quiz show where a wrong answer gets you dropped through the floor. "Where do they go? Who cares!" (I hope it's into a pit of broken glass and medical waste.)
• I just realized that most of these commercials are probably old news to you. But, since I no longer watch television (or at least, American television), at least 80 percent of these ads are brand new to me. It's like the Super Bowl!
• Amari Spievey was just called "one of the fastest safeties in the game." I don't think that's even close to true. His lack of speed was highlighted as a reason for his conversion from CB. He's probably an average-speed S.
• Eric Wright should've just had an INT, possibly for six. Now the Leos have the ball on the 10 after the punt. So many small opportunities, so many small wastes.
  
• My host's son is watching the game with me now. It is very hard to explain football to someone who doesn't watch it, and speaks almost no English.
• Jeff Backus has the lowest winning percentage of any NFL player in history (.269 [min: 130 games]).
• Rashied Davis just had a huge catch. I was positive it was going the other way, and he got drilled. Best catch of the game.
• Great catch by Nate Burleson. Push off, Nate Burleson. C'mon, man. Nate, I love you! Stop doing this to me!
• Lions: 7 penalties, 58 yards. Saints: 0 penalties.
• 3rd and 14. Megatron is open, and underthrown. That is a motherfucking touchdown, Matthew. Does it seem like that's happened a lot?
  
• Illegal contact on the Saints. 1st down. What an absolute gift.
• Al and Cris discuss that the Lions might need to address the OL, and then describe Stephen Peterman as "the most consistent of their linemen." Look, just say you don't know anything about the Lions, and leave it at that, man.
  
• Touchdown, MoMo. Seven points. Let's see what Brees does here. Scheffler had some words with the Saints defender after his big catch. What do you think his TD celebration would be against NOLA? He already half-Tebowed, so praying is out. Do you think he'd act like he was carrying a cross (or doing something similarly holy), and then have one of his teammates murder him (thus making him a martyr), after which he would somehow mimic an ascent to Heaven?
  
• Cris just claimed that he had Greg Landry's football card (he was the Lions' last Pro Bowl QB). Unless you're prepared to launch into an extensive discussion of your theoretical card collection, I'm just calling bullshit. Show me the card, Cris.
• How long do you think it is until KVB gets replaced on the defensive line? LoJack and my nigga Willie Young are ready now. Vanden Bosch is a big reason for the resurgence, and I love him, but he is getting older, and he was never the best athlete to begin with.
• Stefan Logan just threw the ball at an opposing player. Is this a joke? What a crazy fucking thing to do. I'm not even that mad about it; it's so ridiculous it's kind of awesome, especially since Nate just caught a 46-yarder.
• 3rd and 12. Tipped at the line of scrimmage. Goddamn it. You have to at least gain some goddamn yards there, guys. Come on. Jason Hanson's 55-yard attempt is wide left. And, you take a gift from Nate (that should have been a touchdown, anyway), and just poop all over it. You just pooped everywhere. The ribbon is dripping with feces.
• Why is there a Pearl Harbor exhibit in New Orleans?
• I've been hearing Aaron Berry's name a lot tonight, and not in a bad way. Cris Collinsworth is saying the Lions drafted Spievey with the intention of converting him. I'm almost positive that's false.
• 3rd and 7 converted to Jimmy Graham. 1st down, 14 yard completion to Graham (wide open). Coverage is breaking down, here. They're in FG range. That FG block and the miss are really big right now.
• Our pass rush is goddamn pathetic right now. There is nothing. Cliff and KVB are invisible. After Fairley's injury, the interior hasn't collapsed a single pocket that I can think of.
  
• Touchdown, Saints. GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
• This commercial is advertising the new Droid as being self-aware. How is this acceptable? The apocalypse is among us, and we're packaging it, selling it, and laughing about it. Of course it's "too powerful to fall into the wrong hands." It's too powerful to exist! Skynet is among us! (Side note: the other night in Sao Paulo, I watched a movie called "The Brotha from Another Planet" starring the guy that played Miles Bennett Dyson, along with a who's-who of B-list black actors. It was riveting.)
• Small featurette highlighting the Lions' dumb mistakes. I am having an aneurysm.
• The Saints are just giving the Leos everything underneath. Not surprisingly. 8:30 left.
• Another push-off by Nate. His wily veteran tricks are really hurting us tonight.
• Blitz by the Saints, and MoMo drops the fucking pass. Are you kidding me, man. Are you kidding me. That was going 30 yards minimum.
• 4th and 13. Here we go. I am slowly slipping into the throws of depression. You are punting?! Are you losing your shit completely right now? Why the fuck are you punting?!
• The Lions jump off. Cris Collinsworth launches into a tirade about how the Lions don't have championship experience and the Saints do, and how calmly Brees got his five yards. The Lions don't have discipline, what have you. The referee then says the Lions got back onside. Collinsworth, trapped, refuses to agree with the ref.
• Collinsworth did just give The Ballhawk some props, so there's that.
• 3rd push-off by Nate. This is just inexcusable. Put Rashied Davis in or something.
• Personal foul by The Perfect TE. Something has to be done about this.
• 4th down. INT. Game. Thanks for playing. God damn it, they're so much better than this.
  

Lions/Saints: 1st Half

As I'm sure you're already blackout by this point, I'll try to keep a running blog of this game for you. What a role reversal!

• As I'm sure you already know, the Falcons, Giants, and Bears all lost today. This game is goddamn huge for the Leos.
  
• End-around to Titus Young for 10 on the Lions' first offensive play. Are they replacing Nate Burleson?!
• 3rd and 14: Kevin Smith, with the brilliant tip of the screen pass, which is dropped by Jon Vilma. Lady Luck is on our side tonight, baby! New Orleans ball.
• We often talk about how Suh has no fat on his body, which is surprising for a defensive tackle. Nick Fairley, by contrast, looks fat in every way, shape, and form. He has the fattest-looking face I've ever seen in a helmet. (Maybe not as much as Grady Jackson, though.)
• Amari Spievey can fucking stick. He may not be able to cover for shit (jury's out on that one), but damn, that guy lowers the shoulder.
• Eric Wright just saved a touchdown. Almost had a pick. What a solid pickup. (Martin Mayhew, ladies and gentlemen.)
• After a crucial 3rd-down encroachment gives them a short down and easy 1st down, Nick Fairley comes up big, and they force a FG. 3-0, Saints. Not a bad effort by the defense so far. Not great pressure, though, which has to worry you, with Chris fucking Harris starting at safety.
• Do you think Mercedes-Benz is sour over the fact that almost no one knows they're associated with the Superdome? Honestly, has anyone ever referred to it as the "Mercedes-Benz Superdome" in a non-professional setting? Meanwhile, Ford is obviously inseparable from Ford Field. You think Ford, you think of Calvin Johnson's huge rhinoceros penis. You think of Matthew Stafford donning a button-down flannel and taking you for a picnic on the beach, his long, luscious curls blowing in the wind as he opens a bottle of wine and tells you his true feelings for you...I mean, you know what I mean. That is name recognition at its finest!
• Big gain to Calvin negated by illegal formation (Titus Young). Jesus Christ, man. You are a fucking professional football player. Nevermind, he just made a third-down conversion. Forgiveness is yours.
  
• They really keep talking about Stafford's health. I wish they would stop doing that. Do you think Shaun Hill taught Stafford to throw without his index finger? You know I love that Shaun Hill can do that. It's one of my favorite facts about him. I mean, if you give Stafford some gritty veteran gamesmanship on top of that cannon for an arm, mad scientist-like football IQ, and those delightful golden locks, that you want to just run your hands through and bury your face in. What do you think his hair smells like? Bananas? Leather? Chocolate? I bet it's mangos.
  
• JESUS CHRIST. Third-down conversion negated by a holding call on Kevin Smith, who gets back to the 40 on the next play to force a punt. (The punt, meanwhile, is downed inside the five. Ben Graham, you are earning Nick Harris' jersey!)
• Al and Cris are talking about the smart play of John Wendling on that punt. He got pushed out of bounds, and wisely didn't touch the ball first. What a gamer! Are we talking repeat Pro Bowl bids?!
  
• Nick Fairley is all over the place, but I'm pretty sure he will suffer a heart attack after his 23rd play of the game. (Odds of that are unofficially set at 13:1). End of the 1st.

2nd Quarter:

• On the preview for The Adventures of Tintin, a young boy is knocked out cold with an oar. This is portrayed comically. How does this jibe with the NFL's emphasis on reducing concussions?
• War Horse. A movie about a horse's journey. Sadly, it is not set in medieval Europe, so my level of interest is slightly less than it is for The Adventures of Tintin. Perhaps you get the inner monologue of the horse? What would that even be? "These oats taste like shit. Man, I hope I don't get shot. God, I'm running again?!"
• 3rd and 4: Lions lose a great field position opportunity by Brees completing a bomb to Meachem. Not bad coverage by Berry. Not that it matters. First down near midfield.
• One of the referees has been injured and taken out of the game. One would expect this benefit a team that enjoys taking penalties as much as the Lions. But sadly, this has not affected the number of penalties.
• Nick Fairley has been taken to the locker room. Are you shitting me. They're looking at his foot. Give me a fucking break. There is no pressure coming, even from the DEs.
  
• Cris Collinsworth just dropped a Gorgeous George reference, and then yelled at Al for "not keeping up."
• Touchdown, Mark Ingram. God fucking damn it. Fuck you, New Orleans. How the fuck is Fairley hurt again. GODDAMN IT.
• How can Eli Manning be expected to boost sales of anything, let alone high-end watches? Maybe pet food. Safety harnesses for children with special needs, perhaps. (Side note: Are those real?) Come on, though, tell me you see that face and think, "There's a sharply-dressed man with an eye for keen fashion. I want to emulate everything about his style."
• The bubble screen to Burleson was just stopped before it happened. There had to be a key the Saints found, because that was some precognition shit.
• Kevin Smith just converted a 3rd and 17 on a screen pass, somehow. Good patience by K. Smoove on that one. It's his best asset. And now he's pulled up lame. Sweet!
• Fairley is back. X-rays negative. His return is questionable.
  
• Stafford just got absolutely drilled on a short 3rd down failure(they wanted Scheffler, but the Saints again seemed to know exactly where they were going). That was one of the worst shots I've ever seen him take. He went airborne on it. Good Lord.
• The profile picture of Suh they're showing looks like a mug shot.
• 2nd and 1. Maybe you should look for a pass here. Nope. How about a 67-yard touchdown, with Eric Wright being awful at tackling. Forget what I said earlier. Jesus Christ, you fucking cocksuckers. Make a show of it, at least. God fucking damn it. GODDAMN IT ALL, you fucking fucks.
• I've had to take myself downstairs to prevent my silent swearing from waking our hosts. On the plus side, they've got this delicious tapioca pudding-style dessert that I am just absolutely destroying.
• Linehan is calling a lot of misdirection passes and bubble screens and shit. There will be a deep ball to Calvin soon if this keeps up. Meanwhile, Nate-O and MoMo are good on the short end.
• Touchdown, Kevin Smith. Still a really good story.
  
• The Saints just put like 45 guys on Calvin on the goal line. I think Sean Payton threw a crutch at him after the snap.
• Calvin Johnson is starting to enter small-time Brett Favre territory, where the smallest accomplishment merits the most fawning praise by the announcers. I love it, as I love Calvin with every fiber of my being. But, let's pull back a little bit, Cris Collinsworth. Stick to what you're good at: making obscure pro wrestling references. (For what it's worth, said reference was that the Saints WR pulled a "souffle" move on Eric Wright on the interference call. I don't even know what that fucking means.)
• Are there actual demons in the new Sherlock Holmes movie?!
• Bank of America took a risk on a small family with a hot dog cart. What loyalty. It took them months to give me a credit card.
  
• Touchdown, Lance Moore. Seriously, Lions. GET FUCKING REAL. Perfect throw by Breeze, and a great catch. But GOD DAMN IT, FUCK YOU, SAINTS.
• The "Mayhem" commercial just described a perfect Christmas tree as "like making love to a lumberjack." That sounds like it would be more sweaty and filled with huge pubic hair to me. I don't want my living room to smell like a fat man's hairy asshole.
• Holy shit. Titus Young just caught a ball down to the 20. What happened there? (Drew Stanton sighting number one.)
  
• Could've gotten The Perfect TE on the try for the end zone. Good play call. Had room, and you overthrow him. Bad throw, Matt. Come on. Need that against the Saints. And, Hanson's FG attempt is blocked. You have got to be fucking shitting me. How do you get no points out of a gift like that.
• This Web feed is brought to you by somewhere in Arkansas. Thanks, Arkansas.
  

Haters will Hate

People are back to hating on the Lions. I am okay with this.
(In case you can't tell due to size, that's the "experts'" picks for the Lions/Bears game on Sunday.)

I know you have the day off. Write something.

David,

As you know, the Lions definitively disproved the existence of God yesterday by humiliating Tim Tebow in Denver. One could argue that "maybe God is a Lions fan," but Jon Kitna is no longer the quarterback.

I know from the interwebs that you don't have work today. I assume you're going to do laundry, lay around hung over, and maybe eat some sort of microwavable food. Why not contribute something of value to society by writing on this blog? Sometimes, we are actually funny, and the commoners do so love to hear of your adventures.

-Dogg

Equal Parts Busy, Drunk and Lazy

I am so sorry that I worried you, my boy.

As the headline suggests, my time has been consumed by work, drink and general lounging (which is much more time-consuming than one might think). I will try my best to maintain some sort of consistent posting from here on, so that you don't have to worry about my safety. It really gets back to our discussion as to who is more likely to die (or come to serious bodily harm) during the next year: you (by traveling the world and being in generally dangerous situations) or me (by drinking more than is recommended or safe).

The Passion Tsunami lost 9-7 this past week, although if you take out the first inning (which you can't), it was like 7-4. Or something like that. Look, the score doesn't matter, because I kicked a goddamn home run. And I realize that if we had an official scorer, or this was baseball, it would have been scored a triple with an error, but THIS IS KICKBALL. HOME RUN. Unfortunately, our team continues its tradition of not knowing the rules or generally having a knowledge of sports, so we lost. You know I only play for the personal statistics, though. I'm holding out for a lucrative contract in the offseason, and if Brandon doesn't show me the money, I am out of there.

The Lions also lost, unfortunately. I think you saw the game against the Falcons, so I really don't need to go into much details. Stafford is back practicing, despite the injury, but he really needs to step his game up. Him and the offensive line have looked bad. So has the defensive line to be completely honest. They can't stop the run, and everytime they do, it's a penalty.

I visited your sweet Squeaks and Olmsted on Monday, just to verify that they are still alive. They are, but they also mourn for you. We all do. I also got a haircut while I was up there, and Colleen tried to give me a shot, but I didn't want one. Now that I think about it, your apartment seems much less dude-like without you. I mean, Squeaks and Olmsted were there, but they were outnumbered by females (not counting Brandon and I). Colleen, X were all there, doing distinctly feminine things (drinking fruity drinks, gossipping, cooking), and it really set me aback. I need Spartacus to start up so I can go there and just see dicks. So many dicks (and blood).

I got pretty ham-jammed on both Friday and Saturday evenings in the town of East Lansing. I don't know if you caught the Michigan State-Wisconsin game, but if not, you should do some research. When they caught that hail mary at the end of the game, shit got wild. I didn't go to State (as I hope you know), but I still partied like it. The shots were flowing, and thanks to our connect at the bar, I barely had to pay anything for them. Needless to say, I indulged. At the tailgate on Saturday, I came perilously close to fighting a girl. She poured a drink on my head for no reason (seriously, I didn't even say anything to her!) and then ran away. After that, I tried to fight her husband, but he was not up to the task, plus Arj didn't want me to. Arj is a man of peace, as you well know.

Anyway, my lunch break is up, so I should probably get back to work. Just know that I need you!

Dave

Taking advantage of strangers' kindness and local products: Tips for the traveling drinker

David,

The Lions' 5-0 start has effectively shrunk my pants to child-size. Is there a greater human being in football than Calvin Johnson?! Probably not! Is there a greater defensive end in football than Willie Young?! Probably!

I'm glad to hear you celebrated the Lions victory among like-minded individuals, but I think that violates the spirit of Tomke sports antagonism. I suffered the insults of Bears fans for too long to barricade myself in a Detroit bar while the Lions dropped dick. So, instead, I left the country, where literally no one gives a shit about American football. (On a side note, I met some friendly Canadians who were avid Saskatchewan Roughriders fans.) Moving on...

Traveling on a budget is hard, particularly when you enjoy the food and drink as much as we do. However, when you're visiting a region in which rum is a local export, why not take advantage of the cut-rate prices? You're supporting local businesses, experiencing exotic local products, and if you have no standards regarding your mixer, you can get a buzz on for next to nothing!

Katie and I went out to Caye Caulker this past weekend. It's essentially an island getaway, and as some would call it, "touristy." When compared with Belize City, I assume "touristy" is synonymous with "clean," "safe," and unfortunately "expensive." Not to worry, though: Before boarding our water taxi, we had the foresight to buy our supplies in the city. So, we purchased a fifth of Traveler's Rum for the price of $11 BZ ($5.50 US), along with some packets of Tang ($0.58 BZ/0.29 US), and with the water taken from the surprisingly clean taps, we were off to the races (of drunkenness)!

Speaking of Tang, Central American countries have an uncanny fascination with the shit. We selected our packets from among a dozen or so different flavors (our selections: Mango, Strawberry-Orange), but the aforementioned Canadians told us that in Mexico, there are entire aisles with nothing but Tang. It's a cornucopia of artificial flavor!

Other than that, it definitely benefits you be around people who also drink, and are sympathetic to your budgetary issues. For instance, we're currently in the capital of Belmopan, staying with Katie's friends Joan and Andy (who are awesome people, incidentally). When we pulled up yesterday, Andy and his boys were drinking and playing Dominoes. Immediately upon saying hello, Andy offered me a beer. It was barely past noon, but who am I to turn down an offer of such generosity? That beer turned into another three or four, which then turned into a couple fifths of rum. Total cost: $0.

Anyway, I don't know what else to write here that I won't write in my other, more respectable blog. Go Lions.

-Doggins

5-0

My sweet, sweet boy:

Nights like last night are when I truly miss your presence. You would have been so passionate during the Lions game! And I am not willing to rule out that your passion would have single-handedly turned the tide in the Tigers/Rangers game.

We'll start off with a brief rundown of the Tigers game before moving onto what you must be waiting for. Really, all you need to know about the Tigers game is that, in a game tied 3-3 in the ninth inning with two outs, Gene Lamont held up Santiago at third (from first) on a double into the right-field corner by 2012 All-Star Don Kelly ("It's like they have a net out there!"). What gets me the most about this is that HE EFFECTIVELY TOOK HIS BEST HITTER OUT OF THE GAME by doing this. Cabrera was batting next, but they're obviously going to walk him with first open. If you send Santiago, he might score, and even if he doesn't, you're going to get Cabrera to bat in the ninth. But no, let's not give him a chance. Fuck you, Gene Lamont. The Tigers lost.

You know who didn't lose? THE LIONS. Because they don't ever lose. Seriously? Nine straight wins? Boner jamz.

I watched it with Brandon, Ted and Malinovich's crew at the Tin Lizzie. It was the first time I've watched a game at a "Lions bar," and I'm not going to lie, I had a great time. I was really hollerin' after every play (as was everyone). My passion reached true Chris Tomke-levels when I was standing on my chair at the bar leading Gridiron Heroes after Jahvid Best's 88-yard TD run (longer than any Barry Sanders run, oddly enough). The Tomke passion inspired the bartender to give me multiple free shots, including a Goldschlager to end the night, which I am still tasting today, unfortunately.

Seriously, though, it made me miss you, bud. I know how much you'd be enjoying this Lions run.

Robot Update

Just to piss you off, Chris: Erik Coleman is having a Twitter conversation with the Fox Sports Robot (Cleatus).

You're welcome.

Dave Olmsted has moved on

Dave Olmsted took me out on a date to Kelly's yesterday. It was romantic for about two hours until Sam and Lillian showed up with an international gang and ruined it. Of course, the only option at that point was to start doing shots and go to the Corners with Roderick (which I did).

The Tigers play tonight in Game 5 against the Yankees with Fister (hardly even know her!) on the mound against Ivan Nova. Passion Tsunami is a little upset that I am skipping our kickball game to watch it. I maintain that you would do the same thing and there was a little debate over it. So let's clear that up: would you skip kickball to watch an elimination game in the playoffs?

Nachofest is this weekend, too. Ted and I tried to book the Governor's Suite at the Marriott in downtown East Lansing (the most luxurious room in all of East Lansing!), but unfortunately, it was already booked (probably by the governor). Keehner and I have discussed having a velvet rope section with a couch for our VIP keg this year and I fully support this. I had Keehner text one of the dudes that now runs Nachofest about getting me a party package and the response was, "We already have one for him. #obvious." This may be my last one if Joe can't make it. Once it gets down to me and Arj, it's time for me to bow out gracefully. Everyone knows that Arj will be the last man standing in anything related to being in the vicinity of East Lansing. He's like Charlie from It's Always Sunny.

This entire post seems choppy and not very put together. Oh well, I'm on my lunch break at work. Suck it, Grynchy.

I'm sure we'll discuss this topic more in the coming days, but Lions vs. Bears on Monday Night Football is going to be full of arguments, alcohol and possibly (probably?) jail time. It's going to be out of control.

Finaly note: I think Katie left her phone on the charger at Brandon's, as there is a phone there whose owner we cannot track down. Plus it's locked. Can you confirm this?

Love,
Dave

I am a good person! (Pt. 1 of ?)

Hey, David,

Funny you should mention all the important conversations I'm supposedly having. This evening, Katie sat on a panel of four women to discuss human trafficking live on Belizean television. As expected, it was a laugh riot. I sat in the studio taking notes during the 90-minute show. The following are excerpts from my notebook, almost entirely verbatim:

-2 minutes to showtime. Katie apologizes for the length of her skirt. Cameraman insists it is not a problem. Cameraman is male.

-Katie mistakenly declares that Bay City is an hour and a half north of Detroit (two hours).

-Virginia (host) declares that they will now be accepting phone-in questions. I pray there is a Belizean version of Matt Kelly out there. My prayers will no doubt go unanswered.

-During her description of the Partners chapter, Abigail mentions cultural exchanges between countries, specifically music. She says "Steel Pan" went to America. I fully expected her to say "Steel Panther." I am disappointed when this is not so.

-Apparently going to a strip club can suport human trafficking. Cue brief discussion of men who implicitly support human trafficking by going to titty bars. Clearly, they have never been to the Vu, where I only accept dances from younger sisters of guys I went to high school with.

-The show will not be filming next Monday, due to a holiday. Apparently the Lions' first Monday Night Football game in a decade (or, possibly Cheryl's birthday) counts as a national holiday in Central American countries.

-Commercial break: "Belize annual Park-Fest! Bring the entire family! Prizes! Bouncy castle! Beer-drinking contest! The after-party keeps it goin' at 11:00!"

And, that's a wrap!

Drunken Lions Recap - Week 4

Chris,

Let me start off by saying that the Flash Taco burrito that I am eating is simply delicious. I am not exactly sure how the Lions won today (I'll get to that later), as I followed up the win by going to Passine's and then back to the Corners for more drinks. The Monday night game between the Lions and Bears should be wild.

Also, I'm watching Taken right now, and it's still awesome. I hope you don't get sold into sexual slavery like Liam Neeson's daughter. OR DO I?

So, the Lions sucked dick to start the game. Stafford was flat-out bad. No question. At halftime, the Lions were down by a score of 27-3. (Just keep in mind that none of this was official, because I tried once again, to do a shot every time the Lions recorded a first down). Seriously? Fuck you, Famke Jannsen! You're good looking, but let Liam Neeson give his fucking daughter a present. Fuck you, too, STUART. Just because you're fucking Liam Neeson's ex-wife doesn't mean you are her father. God damnit. People these days.

The Lions came back with two pick-sixes. Bobby Carpenter had the first (I don't know if it was credited to him, as he fumbled it in the endzone and Eric Wright picked it up.) and South Padre had the second. So with the score 27-17 (?), the Lions scored the next two touchdowns in traditional fashion: CALVIN MOTHERFUCKING JOHNSON. Two more touchdowns, bud. The first one was in triple coverage. He's so god damned good. I am drunk.

I love you.

Dave

Day 1: The Internet in foreign countries is of adequate speed.

My dearest David,

After three stops and about eight hours of flying, I've arrived in Belize. More specifically, Belize City (Population: 70,000). Before I go into what will certainly confirm your views on foreign countries, I'd like to share a few notes from my journey this morning.

International flights beat the shit out of domestic ones. My experience thus far only consists of Taca International (catch phrase: "Another on-time flight with Taca!"), but let's count the ways in which this flight topped its American domestic counterparts:

1. Tons of Central and South American dudes with mustaches wearing cowboy hats. Pretty much speaks for itself. But seriously, I thought I was on a plane with about 24 Latin Burt Reynolds impersonators.

2. Hot flight attendants. (Read: Not gay men [although the male flight attendants were certainly comely enough, from a hetero perspective] or elderly women). Maybe this is just a Latin thing; I'll have to gather more data.

3. Airline food. I didn't realize this actually still existed, but I was treated to a delightful breakfast of spongy hotcakes with hot apples, a cup of strawberry yogurt, two muffins, and a Bloody Mary to wash it down. Not bad.

4. Every time we arrived at a stop, the pilot would come over the PA and announce our arrival (not unusual), followed by "Thank you for flying with Tacaaaaaaaaaa..." with an elongated whisper at the end (unusual).


Side note: What's going on with the Lions? I only have stat updates at the moment, but this is brutal so far.

Anyway, back to Belize. Katie has just entered my room to express concern that the contents of this blog could be damaging to our travels (in Central/South America, at least) due to the possibly high levels of vulgarity/offensive content. Well, I haven't used much profanity thus far, but I think I speak for both of us when I say FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT. I'll Google myself when this post is done to see if I show up (as a precaution, I've changed my name to Doggfrey).

Belize City seems cool enough, but I have no doubt you'd be uncomfortable, due to your noted distrust of non-whites. I'll have more info on that as my stay continues. Katie has to be interviewed for TV and go to social events at the American Embassy and shit. And, as her greasy-haired male companion, I have to film everything. The things I do for cheap travel.

Are you at Duffy's? And the obvious follow-up is: Are you blackout already?

-Doggins