Lions/Saints: 1st Half

As I'm sure you're already blackout by this point, I'll try to keep a running blog of this game for you. What a role reversal!

• As I'm sure you already know, the Falcons, Giants, and Bears all lost today. This game is goddamn huge for the Leos.
  
• End-around to Titus Young for 10 on the Lions' first offensive play. Are they replacing Nate Burleson?!
• 3rd and 14: Kevin Smith, with the brilliant tip of the screen pass, which is dropped by Jon Vilma. Lady Luck is on our side tonight, baby! New Orleans ball.
• We often talk about how Suh has no fat on his body, which is surprising for a defensive tackle. Nick Fairley, by contrast, looks fat in every way, shape, and form. He has the fattest-looking face I've ever seen in a helmet. (Maybe not as much as Grady Jackson, though.)
• Amari Spievey can fucking stick. He may not be able to cover for shit (jury's out on that one), but damn, that guy lowers the shoulder.
• Eric Wright just saved a touchdown. Almost had a pick. What a solid pickup. (Martin Mayhew, ladies and gentlemen.)
• After a crucial 3rd-down encroachment gives them a short down and easy 1st down, Nick Fairley comes up big, and they force a FG. 3-0, Saints. Not a bad effort by the defense so far. Not great pressure, though, which has to worry you, with Chris fucking Harris starting at safety.
• Do you think Mercedes-Benz is sour over the fact that almost no one knows they're associated with the Superdome? Honestly, has anyone ever referred to it as the "Mercedes-Benz Superdome" in a non-professional setting? Meanwhile, Ford is obviously inseparable from Ford Field. You think Ford, you think of Calvin Johnson's huge rhinoceros penis. You think of Matthew Stafford donning a button-down flannel and taking you for a picnic on the beach, his long, luscious curls blowing in the wind as he opens a bottle of wine and tells you his true feelings for you...I mean, you know what I mean. That is name recognition at its finest!
• Big gain to Calvin negated by illegal formation (Titus Young). Jesus Christ, man. You are a fucking professional football player. Nevermind, he just made a third-down conversion. Forgiveness is yours.
  
• They really keep talking about Stafford's health. I wish they would stop doing that. Do you think Shaun Hill taught Stafford to throw without his index finger? You know I love that Shaun Hill can do that. It's one of my favorite facts about him. I mean, if you give Stafford some gritty veteran gamesmanship on top of that cannon for an arm, mad scientist-like football IQ, and those delightful golden locks, that you want to just run your hands through and bury your face in. What do you think his hair smells like? Bananas? Leather? Chocolate? I bet it's mangos.
  
• JESUS CHRIST. Third-down conversion negated by a holding call on Kevin Smith, who gets back to the 40 on the next play to force a punt. (The punt, meanwhile, is downed inside the five. Ben Graham, you are earning Nick Harris' jersey!)
• Al and Cris are talking about the smart play of John Wendling on that punt. He got pushed out of bounds, and wisely didn't touch the ball first. What a gamer! Are we talking repeat Pro Bowl bids?!
  
• Nick Fairley is all over the place, but I'm pretty sure he will suffer a heart attack after his 23rd play of the game. (Odds of that are unofficially set at 13:1). End of the 1st.

2nd Quarter:

• On the preview for The Adventures of Tintin, a young boy is knocked out cold with an oar. This is portrayed comically. How does this jibe with the NFL's emphasis on reducing concussions?
• War Horse. A movie about a horse's journey. Sadly, it is not set in medieval Europe, so my level of interest is slightly less than it is for The Adventures of Tintin. Perhaps you get the inner monologue of the horse? What would that even be? "These oats taste like shit. Man, I hope I don't get shot. God, I'm running again?!"
• 3rd and 4: Lions lose a great field position opportunity by Brees completing a bomb to Meachem. Not bad coverage by Berry. Not that it matters. First down near midfield.
• One of the referees has been injured and taken out of the game. One would expect this benefit a team that enjoys taking penalties as much as the Lions. But sadly, this has not affected the number of penalties.
• Nick Fairley has been taken to the locker room. Are you shitting me. They're looking at his foot. Give me a fucking break. There is no pressure coming, even from the DEs.
  
• Cris Collinsworth just dropped a Gorgeous George reference, and then yelled at Al for "not keeping up."
• Touchdown, Mark Ingram. God fucking damn it. Fuck you, New Orleans. How the fuck is Fairley hurt again. GODDAMN IT.
• How can Eli Manning be expected to boost sales of anything, let alone high-end watches? Maybe pet food. Safety harnesses for children with special needs, perhaps. (Side note: Are those real?) Come on, though, tell me you see that face and think, "There's a sharply-dressed man with an eye for keen fashion. I want to emulate everything about his style."
• The bubble screen to Burleson was just stopped before it happened. There had to be a key the Saints found, because that was some precognition shit.
• Kevin Smith just converted a 3rd and 17 on a screen pass, somehow. Good patience by K. Smoove on that one. It's his best asset. And now he's pulled up lame. Sweet!
• Fairley is back. X-rays negative. His return is questionable.
  
• Stafford just got absolutely drilled on a short 3rd down failure(they wanted Scheffler, but the Saints again seemed to know exactly where they were going). That was one of the worst shots I've ever seen him take. He went airborne on it. Good Lord.
• The profile picture of Suh they're showing looks like a mug shot.
• 2nd and 1. Maybe you should look for a pass here. Nope. How about a 67-yard touchdown, with Eric Wright being awful at tackling. Forget what I said earlier. Jesus Christ, you fucking cocksuckers. Make a show of it, at least. God fucking damn it. GODDAMN IT ALL, you fucking fucks.
• I've had to take myself downstairs to prevent my silent swearing from waking our hosts. On the plus side, they've got this delicious tapioca pudding-style dessert that I am just absolutely destroying.
• Linehan is calling a lot of misdirection passes and bubble screens and shit. There will be a deep ball to Calvin soon if this keeps up. Meanwhile, Nate-O and MoMo are good on the short end.
• Touchdown, Kevin Smith. Still a really good story.
  
• The Saints just put like 45 guys on Calvin on the goal line. I think Sean Payton threw a crutch at him after the snap.
• Calvin Johnson is starting to enter small-time Brett Favre territory, where the smallest accomplishment merits the most fawning praise by the announcers. I love it, as I love Calvin with every fiber of my being. But, let's pull back a little bit, Cris Collinsworth. Stick to what you're good at: making obscure pro wrestling references. (For what it's worth, said reference was that the Saints WR pulled a "souffle" move on Eric Wright on the interference call. I don't even know what that fucking means.)
• Are there actual demons in the new Sherlock Holmes movie?!
• Bank of America took a risk on a small family with a hot dog cart. What loyalty. It took them months to give me a credit card.
  
• Touchdown, Lance Moore. Seriously, Lions. GET FUCKING REAL. Perfect throw by Breeze, and a great catch. But GOD DAMN IT, FUCK YOU, SAINTS.
• The "Mayhem" commercial just described a perfect Christmas tree as "like making love to a lumberjack." That sounds like it would be more sweaty and filled with huge pubic hair to me. I don't want my living room to smell like a fat man's hairy asshole.
• Holy shit. Titus Young just caught a ball down to the 20. What happened there? (Drew Stanton sighting number one.)
  
• Could've gotten The Perfect TE on the try for the end zone. Good play call. Had room, and you overthrow him. Bad throw, Matt. Come on. Need that against the Saints. And, Hanson's FG attempt is blocked. You have got to be fucking shitting me. How do you get no points out of a gift like that.
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