Eli Manning, Cam Newton, and Tony Romo are all ahead of Matt Stafford as Pro Bowl Alternates.
Matt Stafford
385-604 (63.7)
4518 yards
36 TD - 14 INT
And, for what it's worth, 10-5
Eli Manning
335-556 (60.3)
4587 yards
26 TD - 16 INT
8-7
Cam Newton
295-492 (60.0)
3893 yards
20 TD - 16 INT
6-9
(To be fair: 674 rushing yards, 14 TD)
Tony Romo
317-485 (65.4)
3895 yards
29 TD - 9 INT
8-7
Pro Bowls are dumb.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Live-Blogging a Church Service!
I mean, I'm not technically live blogging this shit, but I took extensive notes on the service tonight so that I could share them with you. I hope you're ready, because shit is about to get real. This is going to be, by far, my best contribution to the blog thus far. It is also the post that I hope our father never sees.
(Note: All times are approximate, as I don't wear a watch and did not take my cell phone. I also drank two bottles of wine with Randall between the service and now.)
11:01 p.m. - The service begins with a prayer. I am immediately taken aback by the superlatives used. I mean, I guess if you're an all-powerful god, it's to be expected, but lines like "you make this holy night radiant with your splendor," are tough for me to take.
11:02 p.m. - The first song of the night. I don't know that I ever realized how terrible of a singer our mother is. I have never claimed to be a good singer, but I mask my lack of ability by singing quietly and without much passion. Our mother, on the other hand, sings fairly loudly and absolutely refuses to sing the notes on the page. Instead, she tries to sing some sort of weird harmony that never matches. It's brutal.
11:10 p.m. - For the first time, the crowd (congregation) is asked to recite lines in unison. Is there anything more terrifying than a large crowd saying the same words in monotone? Honestly, just throw some inflection in there or you sound like a cult.
11:14 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! Randall has his first speaking part of the day and he absolutely crushes it. He really made Isaiah 9:2-7 his bitch. Some parts of this reading sound like Spartacus lines ("You have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire."),while others sound like self-appointed titles for Kim Jong Il ("Wonderful Counselor" and "Everlasting Father."). On a side note, these predictions seem to focus quite a bit on Jesus's political implications. "...And the government will be on his shoulders...He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom." I don't seem to remember that happening.
11:19 p.m. - This song is really taking advantage of artistic license. "Who with the Father ever art and Holy Spirit, one." That is not English.
11:22 p.m. - I had a note in here to talk about serious religious issues, but I don't want to do that anymore. My main question was why Jesus dying helped anyone. Was there some back-alley bet with Satan about whether or not God could get his son to die? And the winner got humanity? Seriously, I need to know, my biggest problem with Christianity is that I don't understand why Jesus's life and death helped anyone out.
11:26 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! After cruising through most of the first gospel reading, our father stumbles over the last sentence, "because there was no room at the inn." How will he bounce back?! Further notes on the reading: Caesar Augustus was a bold dude. "That all the world should be taxed?" Ballsy. Although America, the greatest country ever, would not have stood for this. No taxation without representation, Caesar! Also, was it a wise decision to drag a woman that is nine months pregnant across a desert? Theory: Jesus was a premature baby.
11:32 p.m. - At this point, it becomes a giant thank you to Jesus for coming to Earth as a baby in a manger. WHY?! Wouldn't it have been better if Jesus had come to Earth as a conquering angel like Tim Tebow? "You chose to be born an infant in time - praise be to you!" What am I missing? If Jesus came down, wrecked some people's shit with a flaming sword and than asked me to believe in him, you can bet your ass he would have my support.
11:35 p.m. - Randall bounces back with a strong performance in the second gospel reading. The program says "pleaser be seated" right before the reading, but the congregation, having done this before, knows that you stand for the gospel. No one sits. Also, they keep talking about the shepherds leaving to see Jesus. What about their sheep? Did anyone stay behind? Or did they just decide to fuck their careers?
11:38 p.m. - "Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." WTF, Mary? You just gave birth to the savior of humanity and you're not pumped about this? What are you pondering? Get excited. Also, was there a reason Mary was chosen? Is this ever discussed? Was there a lottery? Were ping pong balls involved in this process?
11:40 p.m. - The line "Your eternal Word leaped down from heaven in the silent watches of the night," solves the abortion question. Life doesn't begin until your soul shoots down from heaven in the middle of the night during birth.
11:42 p.m. - A Ronald Hauser original carol.
11:45 p.m. - CELEBRATION MOTHERFUCKING HANDBELL CHOIR. It's not a church service at Immanuel until you get some hot handbell action. This happens during the voluntary, as I am sitting with mother and our grandmother, I realize there is a legit chance that I'll have to wave off the plate guy, I check my wallet and notice that I have $1. I fold it so that you can't see what it is before putting it in the tray. Side note: the big picture at the front of the church has Jesus looking very feminine,
11:50 p.m. - My worst, and most blasphemous thought of the night. The reverend says, "He comes to us quietly, with little fanfare," is read, and in my mind, is immediately followed by "like a rapist in the night." That's right. I think tahat Jesus "comes to us quietly, without fanfare, like a rapist in the night," I have a hard time not laughing for the rest of the service.
11:53 p.m. - More praise is lavished upon baby Jesus. I have to imagine that this was some kind of Look Who's Talking situation.
11:59 p.m. - The last reading is finished. The service is over. Or is it?! MORE HANDBELL ACTION IN YOUR MOUTH! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
(Note: All times are approximate, as I don't wear a watch and did not take my cell phone. I also drank two bottles of wine with Randall between the service and now.)
11:01 p.m. - The service begins with a prayer. I am immediately taken aback by the superlatives used. I mean, I guess if you're an all-powerful god, it's to be expected, but lines like "you make this holy night radiant with your splendor," are tough for me to take.
11:02 p.m. - The first song of the night. I don't know that I ever realized how terrible of a singer our mother is. I have never claimed to be a good singer, but I mask my lack of ability by singing quietly and without much passion. Our mother, on the other hand, sings fairly loudly and absolutely refuses to sing the notes on the page. Instead, she tries to sing some sort of weird harmony that never matches. It's brutal.
11:10 p.m. - For the first time, the crowd (congregation) is asked to recite lines in unison. Is there anything more terrifying than a large crowd saying the same words in monotone? Honestly, just throw some inflection in there or you sound like a cult.
11:14 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! Randall has his first speaking part of the day and he absolutely crushes it. He really made Isaiah 9:2-7 his bitch. Some parts of this reading sound like Spartacus lines ("You have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire."),while others sound like self-appointed titles for Kim Jong Il ("Wonderful Counselor" and "Everlasting Father."). On a side note, these predictions seem to focus quite a bit on Jesus's political implications. "...And the government will be on his shoulders...He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom." I don't seem to remember that happening.
11:19 p.m. - This song is really taking advantage of artistic license. "Who with the Father ever art and Holy Spirit, one." That is not English.
11:22 p.m. - I had a note in here to talk about serious religious issues, but I don't want to do that anymore. My main question was why Jesus dying helped anyone. Was there some back-alley bet with Satan about whether or not God could get his son to die? And the winner got humanity? Seriously, I need to know, my biggest problem with Christianity is that I don't understand why Jesus's life and death helped anyone out.
11:26 p.m. - RANDALLWATCH! After cruising through most of the first gospel reading, our father stumbles over the last sentence, "because there was no room at the inn." How will he bounce back?! Further notes on the reading: Caesar Augustus was a bold dude. "That all the world should be taxed?" Ballsy. Although America, the greatest country ever, would not have stood for this. No taxation without representation, Caesar! Also, was it a wise decision to drag a woman that is nine months pregnant across a desert? Theory: Jesus was a premature baby.
11:32 p.m. - At this point, it becomes a giant thank you to Jesus for coming to Earth as a baby in a manger. WHY?! Wouldn't it have been better if Jesus had come to Earth as a conquering angel like Tim Tebow? "You chose to be born an infant in time - praise be to you!" What am I missing? If Jesus came down, wrecked some people's shit with a flaming sword and than asked me to believe in him, you can bet your ass he would have my support.
11:35 p.m. - Randall bounces back with a strong performance in the second gospel reading. The program says "pleaser be seated" right before the reading, but the congregation, having done this before, knows that you stand for the gospel. No one sits. Also, they keep talking about the shepherds leaving to see Jesus. What about their sheep? Did anyone stay behind? Or did they just decide to fuck their careers?
11:38 p.m. - "Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." WTF, Mary? You just gave birth to the savior of humanity and you're not pumped about this? What are you pondering? Get excited. Also, was there a reason Mary was chosen? Is this ever discussed? Was there a lottery? Were ping pong balls involved in this process?
11:40 p.m. - The line "Your eternal Word leaped down from heaven in the silent watches of the night," solves the abortion question. Life doesn't begin until your soul shoots down from heaven in the middle of the night during birth.
11:42 p.m. - A Ronald Hauser original carol.
11:45 p.m. - CELEBRATION MOTHERFUCKING HANDBELL CHOIR. It's not a church service at Immanuel until you get some hot handbell action. This happens during the voluntary, as I am sitting with mother and our grandmother, I realize there is a legit chance that I'll have to wave off the plate guy, I check my wallet and notice that I have $1. I fold it so that you can't see what it is before putting it in the tray. Side note: the big picture at the front of the church has Jesus looking very feminine,
11:50 p.m. - My worst, and most blasphemous thought of the night. The reverend says, "He comes to us quietly, with little fanfare," is read, and in my mind, is immediately followed by "like a rapist in the night." That's right. I think tahat Jesus "comes to us quietly, without fanfare, like a rapist in the night," I have a hard time not laughing for the rest of the service.
11:53 p.m. - More praise is lavished upon baby Jesus. I have to imagine that this was some kind of Look Who's Talking situation.
11:59 p.m. - The last reading is finished. The service is over. Or is it?! MORE HANDBELL ACTION IN YOUR MOUTH! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas comes early
It's Christmas Eve. I was feeling pretty homesick this morning, especially since we were leaving the comfort of our friend Ismael's home to stay with a stranger in Bethlehem.
As luck would have it, that stranger is a gorgeous Palestinian news reporter. Score. Merry Christmas to me.
-Dogg
As luck would have it, that stranger is a gorgeous Palestinian news reporter. Score. Merry Christmas to me.
-Dogg
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Pride
I'm in the Championship Game in both my work league ($450) and the Six Corners league ($350). In one league, I have Ryan Mathews and in the other I have Antonio Gates.
You'd better believe that I benched both of them. LIONS.
You'd better believe that I benched both of them. LIONS.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Recepticon.
"'Somebody threw a beer bottle at me, I heard,' [Burleson] said.
At least it wasn't full.
'No,' Burleson said. 'If it was full, I might have chugged it.'"
I'm giving this a "rampant alcoholism" tag for the fun of it.
At least it wasn't full.
'No,' Burleson said. 'If it was full, I might have chugged it.'"
I'm giving this a "rampant alcoholism" tag for the fun of it.
I Sound Like You
I'll comment on your shit soon, but here's a brief little sample of what I wrote on Yammer (our company's internal Facebook), while trying to convince the rest of my team to spend our team money to take a limo to Medieval Times:
How much do you love honor?
How much do you love glory?
How often have you dreamed of being a king/queen?
All of these things can be yours, if you vote for a limousine to Medieval Times for our Sophos spiff! It will be an epic adventure (surely not for the faint of heart!), including (but not limited to): knights, dragons(?), mead and luxurie$.
How can you turn it down?! For a mere pittance, a luxurious chariot fit for royalty would pick us up from work and drive us to a land of enchanment known as Medieval Times, where our champion would fight for the glory of our house. There, we would gorge ourselves on the greatest haunches of roast meat that anyone can ask for. We will yell at other knights (or knaves, if you know what I mean!), and cheer our honorable man-at-arms on to ultimate victory (and we'll probably get like a dessert or something). You know you want to
How much do you love honor?
How much do you love glory?
How often have you dreamed of being a king/queen?
All of these things can be yours, if you vote for a limousine to Medieval Times for our Sophos spiff! It will be an epic adventure (surely not for the faint of heart!), including (but not limited to): knights, dragons(?), mead and luxurie$.
How can you turn it down?! For a mere pittance, a luxurious chariot fit for royalty would pick us up from work and drive us to a land of enchanment known as Medieval Times, where our champion would fight for the glory of our house. There, we would gorge ourselves on the greatest haunches of roast meat that anyone can ask for. We will yell at other knights (or knaves, if you know what I mean!), and cheer our honorable man-at-arms on to ultimate victory (and we'll probably get like a dessert or something). You know you want to
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