The Matthew Kelly Teaching Experience

I sat in on some of Matt's classes today. The final class of the day was his M1s (6th graders, essentially). So, 12-year-old Thai kids who don't speak much English. They've been studying animals, so we decide to play Pictionary with the class, ANIMAL STYLE! Here's the blow-by-blow:

-Matt tells the students to get into groups of five. The class stares blankly at him. No one moves. Matt is forced to number the class by fives. At the end, the groups still don't end up with even numbers.

-The first couple rounds go by like a hurricane. The class doesn't seem to comprehend how to raise their hands without shouting. So, every time a student begins to draw on the white board, a wave of 12-year-old Thai screaming hits us like a goddamn Tsunami. At one point, a girl who is actually polite displays some artistic ability when she conjures up a good-looking pig. Matt and I make note of her for later.

-There's really no rhyme or reason to the point distribution system we use. When someone draws an animal, the entire class starts shouting, so Matt randomly chooses a group to give a point to. A couple students loudly yell that, "Teacher! That is not fair!" Matt responds, "No, it isn't, is it?" During the next round, when everyone screams, Matt chalks up points to all five groups, then turns around and tells the class, "Hey! Everyone gets a point. Is that fair?! No. That's Socialism. And that's what Obama wants." The class has no idea what he's talking about.

-Three students in a row shake off our signal of "lizard." Matt and I call up the talented girl. She nails it. Three turns later, we specifically call on her to come up and draw a dragon. Matt: "All right, girl, let's make this one metal."

-Matt begins referring to every boy at the board as "bro." For instance, before drawing, Matt will say "You ready to drop that beat, bro?! Let's hit it. GO!"

-As we run out of animal ideas, the two of us debate making the Thai students attempt to draw abstract concepts like "dreams," "the universe," or "immortality."

-Time runs out. We call the talented girl back to the board to close out Animal Pictionary with "unicorn." The students nail it pretty quickly. We demand she finish the drawing.

-Class dismissed. We leave with the picture of the unicorn still on the board.

My arrival in Thailand has proven one irrefutable truth: I am way, way out of drinking shape. I spent most of the day being sweaty and hung over (including throwing up in a mall bathroom this morning), and this was after a pretty tame night, all things considered. I'm now posted up in Bangkok for the next few weeks (I live in the same building as Matt--it's like a dorm, only we're adults and living in Thailand!), so it's time to really start getting my form back. There are so many good-looking Thai women here, but I am terrified of having sex with a man, so I'm wary of everyone. Frankly, it's a very confusing state of affairs.

Matt, as you can imagine, is essentially the same. We are about to get wild, brother. So wild. I'm going to his school on Wednesday to be the noted lecturer/mid-term exam. I think he just wants me to talk to them and let him know if I can understand them. To ensure this happens, Matt told his class "You BETTER have questions prepared. Don't you embarrass me!" This was one of many hilarious job-related quotes from Matt, along with "I can't understand why they didn't renew my contract at my last job, I mean, after 'Matthew Kelly presents MOVIE WEEK.'"

My trip is about to take a turn for the ridiculous.