Ndamukong Suh Beats Fans

There is an article about a New York Jets fan being beaten outside the stadium. This is an excerpt:

"New York Jets fan James Mohr, 28, was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery following a brutal beating by several Kansas City Chiefs fans who attended the game at MetLife Stadium. The assault on Mohr, a physical education teacher in New York City, came after the Jets' 37-10 win."

Terrible, right? But why am I posting this? Oh, because of what following IMMEDIATELY after that sentence:

"[Related: Remorse isn't part of Ndamukong Suh's playbook]"

So, yeah. Suh will beat fans into a coma and not care about it, apparently.

Runnin' Train

For comedy's sake, it's a shame that the Lions waived Brandon McDonald.

In reality, it really doesn't matter, because the only time he saw the field, he got burned and injured himself.

But let us never forget what brought him to the attention of the nation:
""Yessss, another piece of p**** fa da Browns secondary to run a train on. . . NoHomo . . . Let's Goooo!!!! ITS TRU."

I am in terrible drinking shape.

David,

After hearing your tales of debauchery in NOLA, I couldn't resist the urge to hit the sauce a bit myself. And, since last night I had a Skype date set with Logan and Abbie for 2 a.m. Brazil time, I had plenty of time to kill, and a full bottle of cachaca. So, for about four hours, I sat in my room, alternating between reading and playing Secret of Mana, all while drinking coffee mugs full of this Brazilian moonshine. By the time 2 a.m. rolled around, I was good and thoroughly drunk. This was confusing to me, as I'd only consumed about half my bottle. Then I realized that a.) I've been drunk only twice in the past two-plus months and b.) my diet for the day consisted of granola and bananas.

When I went into the main part of the pousada to get ready for my date, I was alarmed to discover that there was no Internet access. The late-shift worker directed me to the lobby computer, where I stared at Skype and tried to figure out how to use it. After 15 minutes, I managed to log in (by this point, my ability to type was almost nonexistent) and could not figure out what was going on for the life of me. This, of course, prompted strings of vulgarity, which of course prompted the late-shift worker to ask me what was wrong (I think). As he only spoke Portuguese, the next five minutes consisted of my pointing at the screen and making angry grunts and occasionally saying "nice fucking Internet," all while he stared at me, totally confused. In the end, technology defeated me, and I stumbled back to my room. I then proceeded to have another cup of cachaca, which I pounded in anger. Then, I laid down, which was a terrible mistake. I'm not sure for how long I'd been asleep when the need to vomit struck. So I jumped up and proceeded to try to open our door to the lawn, which was locked (you need a key to open it--I was obviously past the point of rational thought). So, I stood there like half-moaning "Please just open!" when Katie finally woke up and asked what I was doing. I told her of my intentions. She said "the bathroom is behind you, you know." I responded "...Oh. Yeah."

I got out of bed at 2 p.m. today.

Adam Martin Disinvite from Future Cabin Trips

Yesterday at Kelly's, Martin contended that Cypress Hill was the band responsible for Cowboys from Hell.

The immediate reaction centered around how upset you would be by this.

Upon further review...

My Lions blog from last night is one of the most rambling pieces of nonsense ever written.

Lions/Saints: 2nd Half

(1st half found below)

They just announced that Madonna will be the Super Bowl halftime performer. How many lumberjacks to I have to fuck to get GWAR to play at the Super Bowl? (Answer: at least 100,000. Probably all double anal.) Incidentally, Matt Leinart is sporting an amazing mustache. Why couldn't he have gone to Seattle, gotten the band back together with ol' Pete, and been the first mustachioed Super Bowl-winning QB in I don't know how many years? Well, other than the fact that he's not very good at football.

2nd half

• Another good run by Kevin Smith. He is like half the speed of Jahvid Best, which makes you wonder how bad Best's vision actually is, that I guy that slow makes entirely better runs than him.
• Nate Burleson and Calvin Johnson have to be the best stiff-arming combination of WRs in the NFL. Remember that great TD against Tampa last year? Oh, wait, nevermind. Nate grabbed the facemask. C'mon, man.
• Kevin Smith is just limping all over the place. He just straight fell down in the open field. How is he more productive than Jahvid Best (side question: how many yards would Best be gaining tonight).
• And...now Kevin Smith is officially out. 80 total yards. Lots of effort.
  
• Hyundai (maybe it was Honda) just had an advertisement with some middle-class white guys rapping about the assorted features (that I assume come standard) with the car. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Oh, yes I am. It was awful.
• Jeff Backus is starting his 173rd straight game. I don't care how you feel about him (I go back and forth, honestly), but that is awesome. Congrats, Jeff.
• Maurice Morris runs headfirst into the pile like he's the Module from TMNT, and he's going to drill through. It works, sort of, I guess.
• 3rd and 1 becomes 3rd and 16 because Titus Young throws a goddamn punch after the whistle. Field goal attempt. Again: C'mon, man. 24-10. Now, in one of life's great ironies, Dominic Raiola is yelling at Titus Young for making a stupid mistake in anger. I think Brett Favre used to criticize Aaron Rodgers for making dumb throws, too. (Just kidding; he criticized him for sending dick pics.)
  
• New show on NBC: Who's Still Standing?, a quiz show where a wrong answer gets you dropped through the floor. "Where do they go? Who cares!" (I hope it's into a pit of broken glass and medical waste.)
• I just realized that most of these commercials are probably old news to you. But, since I no longer watch television (or at least, American television), at least 80 percent of these ads are brand new to me. It's like the Super Bowl!
• Amari Spievey was just called "one of the fastest safeties in the game." I don't think that's even close to true. His lack of speed was highlighted as a reason for his conversion from CB. He's probably an average-speed S.
• Eric Wright should've just had an INT, possibly for six. Now the Leos have the ball on the 10 after the punt. So many small opportunities, so many small wastes.
  
• My host's son is watching the game with me now. It is very hard to explain football to someone who doesn't watch it, and speaks almost no English.
• Jeff Backus has the lowest winning percentage of any NFL player in history (.269 [min: 130 games]).
• Rashied Davis just had a huge catch. I was positive it was going the other way, and he got drilled. Best catch of the game.
• Great catch by Nate Burleson. Push off, Nate Burleson. C'mon, man. Nate, I love you! Stop doing this to me!
• Lions: 7 penalties, 58 yards. Saints: 0 penalties.
• 3rd and 14. Megatron is open, and underthrown. That is a motherfucking touchdown, Matthew. Does it seem like that's happened a lot?
  
• Illegal contact on the Saints. 1st down. What an absolute gift.
• Al and Cris discuss that the Lions might need to address the OL, and then describe Stephen Peterman as "the most consistent of their linemen." Look, just say you don't know anything about the Lions, and leave it at that, man.
  
• Touchdown, MoMo. Seven points. Let's see what Brees does here. Scheffler had some words with the Saints defender after his big catch. What do you think his TD celebration would be against NOLA? He already half-Tebowed, so praying is out. Do you think he'd act like he was carrying a cross (or doing something similarly holy), and then have one of his teammates murder him (thus making him a martyr), after which he would somehow mimic an ascent to Heaven?
  
• Cris just claimed that he had Greg Landry's football card (he was the Lions' last Pro Bowl QB). Unless you're prepared to launch into an extensive discussion of your theoretical card collection, I'm just calling bullshit. Show me the card, Cris.
• How long do you think it is until KVB gets replaced on the defensive line? LoJack and my nigga Willie Young are ready now. Vanden Bosch is a big reason for the resurgence, and I love him, but he is getting older, and he was never the best athlete to begin with.
• Stefan Logan just threw the ball at an opposing player. Is this a joke? What a crazy fucking thing to do. I'm not even that mad about it; it's so ridiculous it's kind of awesome, especially since Nate just caught a 46-yarder.
• 3rd and 12. Tipped at the line of scrimmage. Goddamn it. You have to at least gain some goddamn yards there, guys. Come on. Jason Hanson's 55-yard attempt is wide left. And, you take a gift from Nate (that should have been a touchdown, anyway), and just poop all over it. You just pooped everywhere. The ribbon is dripping with feces.
• Why is there a Pearl Harbor exhibit in New Orleans?
• I've been hearing Aaron Berry's name a lot tonight, and not in a bad way. Cris Collinsworth is saying the Lions drafted Spievey with the intention of converting him. I'm almost positive that's false.
• 3rd and 7 converted to Jimmy Graham. 1st down, 14 yard completion to Graham (wide open). Coverage is breaking down, here. They're in FG range. That FG block and the miss are really big right now.
• Our pass rush is goddamn pathetic right now. There is nothing. Cliff and KVB are invisible. After Fairley's injury, the interior hasn't collapsed a single pocket that I can think of.
  
• Touchdown, Saints. GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
• This commercial is advertising the new Droid as being self-aware. How is this acceptable? The apocalypse is among us, and we're packaging it, selling it, and laughing about it. Of course it's "too powerful to fall into the wrong hands." It's too powerful to exist! Skynet is among us! (Side note: the other night in Sao Paulo, I watched a movie called "The Brotha from Another Planet" starring the guy that played Miles Bennett Dyson, along with a who's-who of B-list black actors. It was riveting.)
• Small featurette highlighting the Lions' dumb mistakes. I am having an aneurysm.
• The Saints are just giving the Leos everything underneath. Not surprisingly. 8:30 left.
• Another push-off by Nate. His wily veteran tricks are really hurting us tonight.
• Blitz by the Saints, and MoMo drops the fucking pass. Are you kidding me, man. Are you kidding me. That was going 30 yards minimum.
• 4th and 13. Here we go. I am slowly slipping into the throws of depression. You are punting?! Are you losing your shit completely right now? Why the fuck are you punting?!
• The Lions jump off. Cris Collinsworth launches into a tirade about how the Lions don't have championship experience and the Saints do, and how calmly Brees got his five yards. The Lions don't have discipline, what have you. The referee then says the Lions got back onside. Collinsworth, trapped, refuses to agree with the ref.
• Collinsworth did just give The Ballhawk some props, so there's that.
• 3rd push-off by Nate. This is just inexcusable. Put Rashied Davis in or something.
• Personal foul by The Perfect TE. Something has to be done about this.
• 4th down. INT. Game. Thanks for playing. God damn it, they're so much better than this.
  

Lions/Saints: 1st Half

As I'm sure you're already blackout by this point, I'll try to keep a running blog of this game for you. What a role reversal!

• As I'm sure you already know, the Falcons, Giants, and Bears all lost today. This game is goddamn huge for the Leos.
  
• End-around to Titus Young for 10 on the Lions' first offensive play. Are they replacing Nate Burleson?!
• 3rd and 14: Kevin Smith, with the brilliant tip of the screen pass, which is dropped by Jon Vilma. Lady Luck is on our side tonight, baby! New Orleans ball.
• We often talk about how Suh has no fat on his body, which is surprising for a defensive tackle. Nick Fairley, by contrast, looks fat in every way, shape, and form. He has the fattest-looking face I've ever seen in a helmet. (Maybe not as much as Grady Jackson, though.)
• Amari Spievey can fucking stick. He may not be able to cover for shit (jury's out on that one), but damn, that guy lowers the shoulder.
• Eric Wright just saved a touchdown. Almost had a pick. What a solid pickup. (Martin Mayhew, ladies and gentlemen.)
• After a crucial 3rd-down encroachment gives them a short down and easy 1st down, Nick Fairley comes up big, and they force a FG. 3-0, Saints. Not a bad effort by the defense so far. Not great pressure, though, which has to worry you, with Chris fucking Harris starting at safety.
• Do you think Mercedes-Benz is sour over the fact that almost no one knows they're associated with the Superdome? Honestly, has anyone ever referred to it as the "Mercedes-Benz Superdome" in a non-professional setting? Meanwhile, Ford is obviously inseparable from Ford Field. You think Ford, you think of Calvin Johnson's huge rhinoceros penis. You think of Matthew Stafford donning a button-down flannel and taking you for a picnic on the beach, his long, luscious curls blowing in the wind as he opens a bottle of wine and tells you his true feelings for you...I mean, you know what I mean. That is name recognition at its finest!
• Big gain to Calvin negated by illegal formation (Titus Young). Jesus Christ, man. You are a fucking professional football player. Nevermind, he just made a third-down conversion. Forgiveness is yours.
  
• They really keep talking about Stafford's health. I wish they would stop doing that. Do you think Shaun Hill taught Stafford to throw without his index finger? You know I love that Shaun Hill can do that. It's one of my favorite facts about him. I mean, if you give Stafford some gritty veteran gamesmanship on top of that cannon for an arm, mad scientist-like football IQ, and those delightful golden locks, that you want to just run your hands through and bury your face in. What do you think his hair smells like? Bananas? Leather? Chocolate? I bet it's mangos.
  
• JESUS CHRIST. Third-down conversion negated by a holding call on Kevin Smith, who gets back to the 40 on the next play to force a punt. (The punt, meanwhile, is downed inside the five. Ben Graham, you are earning Nick Harris' jersey!)
• Al and Cris are talking about the smart play of John Wendling on that punt. He got pushed out of bounds, and wisely didn't touch the ball first. What a gamer! Are we talking repeat Pro Bowl bids?!
  
• Nick Fairley is all over the place, but I'm pretty sure he will suffer a heart attack after his 23rd play of the game. (Odds of that are unofficially set at 13:1). End of the 1st.

2nd Quarter:

• On the preview for The Adventures of Tintin, a young boy is knocked out cold with an oar. This is portrayed comically. How does this jibe with the NFL's emphasis on reducing concussions?
• War Horse. A movie about a horse's journey. Sadly, it is not set in medieval Europe, so my level of interest is slightly less than it is for The Adventures of Tintin. Perhaps you get the inner monologue of the horse? What would that even be? "These oats taste like shit. Man, I hope I don't get shot. God, I'm running again?!"
• 3rd and 4: Lions lose a great field position opportunity by Brees completing a bomb to Meachem. Not bad coverage by Berry. Not that it matters. First down near midfield.
• One of the referees has been injured and taken out of the game. One would expect this benefit a team that enjoys taking penalties as much as the Lions. But sadly, this has not affected the number of penalties.
• Nick Fairley has been taken to the locker room. Are you shitting me. They're looking at his foot. Give me a fucking break. There is no pressure coming, even from the DEs.
  
• Cris Collinsworth just dropped a Gorgeous George reference, and then yelled at Al for "not keeping up."
• Touchdown, Mark Ingram. God fucking damn it. Fuck you, New Orleans. How the fuck is Fairley hurt again. GODDAMN IT.
• How can Eli Manning be expected to boost sales of anything, let alone high-end watches? Maybe pet food. Safety harnesses for children with special needs, perhaps. (Side note: Are those real?) Come on, though, tell me you see that face and think, "There's a sharply-dressed man with an eye for keen fashion. I want to emulate everything about his style."
• The bubble screen to Burleson was just stopped before it happened. There had to be a key the Saints found, because that was some precognition shit.
• Kevin Smith just converted a 3rd and 17 on a screen pass, somehow. Good patience by K. Smoove on that one. It's his best asset. And now he's pulled up lame. Sweet!
• Fairley is back. X-rays negative. His return is questionable.
  
• Stafford just got absolutely drilled on a short 3rd down failure(they wanted Scheffler, but the Saints again seemed to know exactly where they were going). That was one of the worst shots I've ever seen him take. He went airborne on it. Good Lord.
• The profile picture of Suh they're showing looks like a mug shot.
• 2nd and 1. Maybe you should look for a pass here. Nope. How about a 67-yard touchdown, with Eric Wright being awful at tackling. Forget what I said earlier. Jesus Christ, you fucking cocksuckers. Make a show of it, at least. God fucking damn it. GODDAMN IT ALL, you fucking fucks.
• I've had to take myself downstairs to prevent my silent swearing from waking our hosts. On the plus side, they've got this delicious tapioca pudding-style dessert that I am just absolutely destroying.
• Linehan is calling a lot of misdirection passes and bubble screens and shit. There will be a deep ball to Calvin soon if this keeps up. Meanwhile, Nate-O and MoMo are good on the short end.
• Touchdown, Kevin Smith. Still a really good story.
  
• The Saints just put like 45 guys on Calvin on the goal line. I think Sean Payton threw a crutch at him after the snap.
• Calvin Johnson is starting to enter small-time Brett Favre territory, where the smallest accomplishment merits the most fawning praise by the announcers. I love it, as I love Calvin with every fiber of my being. But, let's pull back a little bit, Cris Collinsworth. Stick to what you're good at: making obscure pro wrestling references. (For what it's worth, said reference was that the Saints WR pulled a "souffle" move on Eric Wright on the interference call. I don't even know what that fucking means.)
• Are there actual demons in the new Sherlock Holmes movie?!
• Bank of America took a risk on a small family with a hot dog cart. What loyalty. It took them months to give me a credit card.
  
• Touchdown, Lance Moore. Seriously, Lions. GET FUCKING REAL. Perfect throw by Breeze, and a great catch. But GOD DAMN IT, FUCK YOU, SAINTS.
• The "Mayhem" commercial just described a perfect Christmas tree as "like making love to a lumberjack." That sounds like it would be more sweaty and filled with huge pubic hair to me. I don't want my living room to smell like a fat man's hairy asshole.
• Holy shit. Titus Young just caught a ball down to the 20. What happened there? (Drew Stanton sighting number one.)
  
• Could've gotten The Perfect TE on the try for the end zone. Good play call. Had room, and you overthrow him. Bad throw, Matt. Come on. Need that against the Saints. And, Hanson's FG attempt is blocked. You have got to be fucking shitting me. How do you get no points out of a gift like that.
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