Women in cults

As I wrote on my other blog, a lot of the volunteers (and participants) in this place are attractive. Can I pull a Mac from Sunny ("Charlie Gets an Abortion") and lie to convince a cult follower to have sex with me?!

You Know I Need It

1) I need you to buy me a pair of white pants. If nothing else, this is what I need to commemorate your trip.

2) Pulitzer, not Pullitzer. Just because the people you're around don't speak English doesn't mean you have to regress.

I am in a town run by a cult. And there are spies all around me.

Dave,

We've arrived at the small town based around Casa de Ignacio, where the faith healer and his ilk work their magic. You are required to wear all white to any sessions featuring these people. The first pair of white pants(!) I looked at was 38 Reais (about $24).

I really want to get deep into this and win a Pulitzer for my investigative journalism. As such, I am taking on a very spiritual and reverential appearance for all of my dealings this week. I'm fairly certain that the townsfolk are used to weed out skeptics, and I don't want to be exposed.

I'd tell you to pray for me, David, but there's enough prayer to go around here.

-Doggins

A Quick Thankgiving Recap

Here are some things that you missed by being a selfish asshole and nto being home for Thanksgiving:

1) This actually came the day after Thanksgiving, but I feel it was the most important event. Mother took everything (turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy) and, instead of making all of us pull out forty different containers to make some food, she put them together in one pan and made some sort of Thanksgiving leftover casserole. It was amazing, and to be honest, it was more or less an exact replication of your traditional Thanksgiving plate.

2) God damn it, Lions.

3) "Ben, I've got a friend that wants to take Pat Lynch home tonight, but we need to get Dave Tomke away from him first."

4) I got lost somewhere in the South End after attending a house party where I knew about two people. This came after the Green Hut had already closed. I ended up walking home while eating a 7-11 deli sandwich at about 4:30 a.m.

5) I stole your winter coat (which, technically, you stole from Kelly's). Thanks?

We Did It!

Your picture is up at www.tebowing.com. I think I won a free t-shirt.

Kevin Smith?!

I don't know if you're able to watch the game today, so please refer to the header of this post for a quick, two-word summary (halfway through the fourth).

I had your souvenir picked out, but it was quite expensive.

Traveling, Dave-style.

Hey, brother,

I know how your intimate knowledge of your own mortality and unreasonable fear of foreigners works against you exiting the borders of the good ol' U.S.A., but the other night, I had a truly Dave Tomke-esque travel experience.

I went out to meet the Brazilians I'd met earlier that day. They suggested I come meet them at their hostel for a few drinks. The name of said hostel was "Loki," so right away I had a good feeling about things.

First of all, the hostel itself if goddamn gigantic. I'm pretty sure it takes up damn near a city block. But, the bar in the hostel is what truly distinguishes it. Every night, the bartenders are different, as the hostel grants free room and board to any travelers who volunteer to tend bar for anywhere from one to seven nights (I believe there's an application process involved). But, the rules of the bar seem dependent on the bartenders that night. During my brief stay at Loki, the bartenders were pounding shots, grabbing random bar patrons (mostly women wearing short skirts) and having them dance up on the bar in front of me, and in once instance, vaulting over the bar to tackle some dude.

There were no rules, David. So, with a bit of bartending experience, you could come to Cusco and have the week of your life. Think about it.

Mispronunciation for comedic effect

The other morning at breakfast, I asked for "te (tea) de anis" by saying "te de anus."

No one laughed but me.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, brother. I have one coming (probably tomorrow) with my thoughts on how the Inca civilization was so goddamn metal.

Alas, with Katie out doing her "spirituality" and "being a good person" thing, I have to go party with some Brazilians. Perhaps that can be a topic for another post, as well.

That was Quick

Timely Request

Hey bud,

I'll write a whole post on the Lions/Bears game, but in the meantime, you need to do something for me.

I was checking Tebowing.com and, no shit, this was the top post:
"Just realized that we’ve had image submissions from 7 of the 8 New Wonders of the World. We just need one from Machu Picchu!"

Make this happen.

Haters will Hate

People are back to hating on the Lions. I am okay with this.
(In case you can't tell due to size, that's the "experts'" picks for the Lions/Bears game on Sunday.)

People are retarded.

Hey, brother.

So, Katie had some old photos of her trip to Kenya from four years ago. She just posted them on Facebook. The same people (for the most part, I assume) who were liking and commenting on her Costa Rica and Colombia statuses are now liking and commenting on these Kenya pictures. No one has bothered to ask how we departed South America and spent like two weeks in Africa, all in the span of 36 hours. To be honest, I'm not sure they even know that Colombia and Kenya are on two different continents.

People are retarded.

In the warrior's code, there's no surrender.

David,

I know you worry about me, so I must inform you that I am not yet in Peru. Our flight was overbooked, so Katie and I graciously accepted the airline's offer of a free hotel stay, a couple meals, and a $300 travel voucher (although it's only good for Latin America, for the most part).

I was holding my bowl of Cocoa Krispies (mistakenly labeled as "Rice Krispies"--get your shit together, Habitel) this morning and waiting for my made-to-order omelet when Survivor's "Burning Heart" came on the speakers. (I realize you probably already know this from Facebook.) Needless to say, I started doing pushups and glistening with sweat.

Our hotel room has wireless Internet. Why does it seem like hotels in the States don't, for the most part? Even our shitty Panama City hotel had WiFi. Perhaps the U.S. should have a brutal stretch of history with drug wars and civil conflict.

That's about it. I went to bed five hours ago, so I'm going to get more sleep.

-Doggins

My Sweet Boy!

These (and every other) are the days that I truly miss you.

We have a makeup game for kickball today (Sunday) at 3:15. Needless to say, we are having everyone over to our new apartment for brunch and drinks. Keehner, Vince and I started drinking immediately after waking up and were joined quickly by Ted and Martini (who had also been drinking since waking up). Then, Brandon's neighbors (Molly, Amanda and I'm assuming Jenny shortly) joined up. Tanitah joined the party and my sweet D.O. is on the way.

The reason I am writing this is because they are making fun of me for my three Conan posters. I don't understand. If a man doesn't have a poster for Conan: The Barbarian, Conan: The Destroyer and the Conan: The Barbarian re-make, is he truly a man? I think this is like the tree falling question.

Either way, I love you and I need you in my vision soon. Please cancel your trip.

Love,
Dave

I'm so sorry, brother.

Timmy Chang's record was broken tonight. I know the noose is already tied, but please don't step off the chair.

Correcting Your Shit Worldwide

Because I can't comment on your "normal" blog, I'm forced to do it here.

"Dolce Gabbana sunglasses," Chris? Dolce and Gabbana.

Be a real person.

Buenos dias, hermano.

I'm sitting here at the conference on international youth volunteerism. So far, it's been an opportunity for people to exchange e-mails and chat about their respective volunteer projects. As I don't have the latter, I graciously give out the former, particularly to any female Colombians that ask.

I will just say this: Colombian women know what's up. They are killing--and I mean killing--every other country's women so far. Not literally, of course, but they all range from reasonably attractive to gorgeous, and spend a good amount of time preparing their looks. American women are slobs by comparison. Tell Margeaux I said that. Step your game up, U.S. Of course, they all also speak with the accent I love so much. What a wonderful country.

As I have no business cards, phone number, or permanent address (not to mention no volunteer organization), networking is proving difficult here. So, I mostly work on my Spanish with pleasant Colombian folks and try to explain to them why Detroit is better than New York City. I've dropped at least 30 statements about the Lions en Espanol.

I'm coming to learn that apparently the ability to get along with crazy old dudes runs in our blood. I befriended a dude named Jaime (of course, his name was a selling point) yesterday. He's in his 60s, probably, and spent like 15 years in the U.S. Army in Panama, so I know he's loyal to the Stars and Stripes. Anyway, also obviously speaks some English. During one of our group breaks, another guy performs a hip-hop singing act (rather well, I would add) titled "Revolutionary Love." My companion Jaime says (and I can't mimic in text, but think of Jesus in The Big Lebowski) "Amor, eh? Someone es getting focked tonight!"

It was awesome.

Love,

Doggins

I'm So Sorry

Chris,

I know you were upset about missing the Lions this year. I can only imagine how much more upset will be when you find out that you will also be missing NICKELBACK'S PERFORMANCE AT HALFTIME OF THE THANKSGIVING GAME AGAINST THE PACKERS.

That's right. The Lions are finally relevant, playing an undefeated team, and motherfucking Nickelback will be there.

God damnit.